It is summer, it's the time of year the often brings me anxiety. I have struggled with body image issues since childhood but it worsened as I went through puberty. At the age of 13-14 years old I began experiencing severe body image issues. I started to hide behind clothing, wearing four to five t-shirts at a time as well as wearing other oversized clothing. It was a very stressful time for me. This brought a lot of laughs from family who thought it was funny that I was acting this way, as well as being punished from my youth leaders at church who thought it was inappropriate behavior for me to be wearing a bathing suit in the shower at camp. Instead of trying to figure out why I felt the way I did, or help me, I was made fun of and told I was the only one who felt like this. I believed them and lived my life feeling like a freak and that something was wrong with me.
As I grew up things did not get better, My grandmother had a pool and would invite friends over. I would get questioned on why I didn't just wear a bathing suit. I could not put into words what I was thinking or feeling. I wanted to wear one but I felt like people were making fun of my imperfect body, so I continued to hide behind men's swim shorts and a t-shirt when I went swimming.
Over the past few years I found myself shunning feminine clothing all together and shopping in the men's department all the time. I stopped wearing dresses and anything girlie and bought only boys jeans and oversized men's shirts.
For the past 6 months I have been slowly reclaiming my femininity and returning to the women's department. It has not been easy, there are times when I just want to revert back to men's clothes and start hiding again but I know that is not healthy for me and is not who God made me.
Last week I decided to buy some new swim shorts as the ones I got handed down to me from my brother were worn out. I did not go into the men's department like I would have in the past, but rather went straight into the women's department where I was able to find a pair I liked, so I bought them, then this past weekend I went shopping with my mother while wearing a women's t-shirt and jeans that were in my appropriate size. I knew when I put on that outfit, I would feel uncomfortable, but I did not go back and change even though I wanted to. I stepped out of the house facing my fears and getting past my anxiety. I am thankful for the progress I am making this year even though it has been hard. My goal this summer isn't to be perfect in overcoming my body image issues, but rather to make progress a little bit at a time.
