No More Excuses

One of the things I like to do is create. I love art, and I love sculpting the most. There was a time when this was my life. I used to arrange my creative time around my babysitting, tutoring jobs and working at my church.In the busiest times, when I had only a few minutes to spare between jobs, I would still find the time – make the time – to create.

I have been recently looking at photos of my past work and arranging them in albums by date. Six years ago, I left my job at the church, my tutoring jobs came to an end, and I stopped babysitting. I suddenly had all the free time in the world. In arranging my albums, however, I noticed a decline in the amount of sculptures I have made over the last six years. I went from creating all the time, to making excuses about not having the time.

Over the past few years these excuses have flowed into other areas of my life, including relationships and basic day-to-day tasks. My grandmother had gotten sick and I started using her illness as an excuse to not visit with friends who asked to come over. I also started using her illness as an excuse not to do anything creative.

A few weeks ago a friend and I made plans to get together and do an art project. I had not seen her for over 2 years. Every time the idea of getting together was presented to me, I’d have some excuse, such as “I am not feeling well” or “I sprained my ankle.” I would even present the “no one can come over unless your room is clean” rule that I had when I was a child, or “”I never know when I have to watch my grandma, I am really busy,” etc. As I was making plans with her, I realized that I had been using anything and everything I could find to use as an excuse to isolate from everyone.

Excuses had become my life, and had taken over. I was not really living my life. I was existing, barely, but not living. I was pushing my life away, keeping it at arms length with my excuses.

Spending time with my friend was what I needed to realize this. In the weeks since, I have been working on not using any excuses. I am back to sculpting and setting up my projects. Every day I do something creative. It is a process. Every day is not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be. I still sometimes find myself using the excuse of being tired or too busy to not get my hands into the clay, and I know it’s a hard habit to break.

But there is so much life I have missed out on and continue to miss out on when I am pushing it away with excuses. Even though it will take some time to refocus and get out of the old routine, I know it will be worth it.

Summer Body Image Anxiety…

It is summer, it's the time of year the often brings me anxiety. I have struggled with body image issues since childhood but it worsened as I went through puberty. At the age of 13-14 years old I began experiencing severe body image issues. I started to hide behind clothing, wearing four to five t-shirts at a time as well as wearing other oversized clothing. It was a very stressful time for me. This brought a lot of laughs from family who thought it was funny that I was acting this way, as well as being punished from my youth leaders at church who thought it was inappropriate behavior for me to be wearing a bathing suit in the shower at camp. Instead of trying to figure out why I felt the way I did, or help me, I was made fun of and told I was the only one who felt like this. I believed them and lived my life feeling like a freak and that something was wrong with me.

As I grew up things did not get better, My grandmother had a pool and would invite friends over. I would get questioned on why I didn't just wear a bathing suit. I could not put into words what I was thinking or feeling. I wanted to wear one but I felt like people were making fun of my imperfect body, so I continued to hide behind men's swim shorts and a t-shirt when I went swimming.

Over the past few years I found myself shunning feminine clothing all together and shopping in the men's department all the time. I stopped wearing dresses and anything girlie and bought only boys jeans and oversized men's shirts.

For the past 6 months I have been slowly reclaiming my femininity and returning to the women's department. It has not been easy, there are times when I just want to revert back to men's clothes and start hiding again but I know that is not healthy for me and is not who God made me.

Last week I decided to buy some new swim shorts as the ones I got handed down to me from my brother were worn out. I did not go into the men's department like I would have in the past, but rather went straight into the women's department where I was able to find a pair I liked, so I bought them, then this past weekend I went shopping with my mother while wearing a women's t-shirt and jeans that were in my appropriate size. I knew when I put on that outfit, I would feel uncomfortable, but I did not go back and change even though I wanted to. I stepped out of the house facing my fears and getting past my anxiety. I am thankful for the progress I am making this year even though it has been hard. My goal this summer isn't to be perfect in overcoming my body image issues, but rather to make progress a little bit at a time.

You cannot judge a book by it's cover

You cannot judge a book by it’s cover, it’s a saying that I have heard most of my life. Many times I have bypassed books because the cover looks either plain or just not something I think I would read based on the description on the back. I have often been surprised at how wrong I was. I have learned over the years that I have done the same with people.

I have been guilty of judging people based on their looks, size, how they are dressed or even by the things they have or do not have. I have also been judged in all these areas myself. I have only looked at what was on the outside and did not bother to get to know the person. I toss them aside and do not bother to take the time to even speak to them, much like tossing a book aside you are sure you do not want to read it.

My first memory of doing this was in elementary school when I decided I did not like a little girl in my Brownie troop because her name was Millie. I decided I would not sit next to her because I did not like her name. One day I noticed she had sat down next to me so I got up and moved to a different group. She was nice to everyone including me, so there was no reason for me to treat her the way I did. Over the years I have had to realize that one of the things I have learned growing up was to judge others. Children learn by example, so while watching my father judge others and put them down, I was learning to do the same.

One of the things my mother constantly says to me when I am judging others is “You of all people, who has been judged and treated the way you have, should understand how it feels”. I was born premature and because of this I was smaller, looked and acted younger than my age. I had a hearing loss, an undiagnosed inner ear disorder that caused anxiety and fear of large objects and open spaces, I was on the autism spectrum which was undiagnosed until 2010, and had some learning disabilities. I spent a good deal of time during my childhood being judged by people who only saw my disabilities, they never saw me as a person who was capable of doing anything, I was purposely left out of activities that other kids were allowed to participate in. There were times when I had to fight to take art classes because all the teacher saw was a child who was slow in school so she expected me to be slow in all areas of my life.

Over the years I have seen my determination to try turn into an attitude of feeling defeated. I stopped fighting for what I should have been allowed to participate in, my fear of rejection took over, it began to rule my life in areas such as having to be perfect in everything I do in order to prove I was good enough.

I have had to realize that how I was treated has affected me greatly and how I relate to others. Even now, I am still judged, still left out, often not given a chance to do things, however this does not give me a license to do the same to others. I have always been taught to treat others how I want to be treated. I do not want to be judged, therefore I should not judge others. I need to give other people my time and attention regardless of their outward appearance. I need to not just toss them aside as if they do not matter. They may have something to offer or teach me or it could be the other way around, however I will never know if I keep judging them before I get to know them.

Finding Freedom from Unhealthy Relationships

I am an artist, I have been an artist since I was 5 years old. When I buy art supplies I look for the "non toxic" label on the package. It's easy for me to figure out which art supplies are and are not healthy for me to use because of this label. In relationships it's not always easy to see who is healthy for us and who is not. sometimes I wish relationships had that same label, but they do not and we have to find out the difference between healthy and unhealthy on our own. Sometimes it's a painful experience in learning who we should and should not have in our lives.

In my recovery from my eating disorder and also issues with my past in general, I recently have had to look at which relationships are "non toxic" and which ones are not, and cause more harm than good as well as finding out which relationships encourage and help my recovery and which ones trigger behaviors or thoughts. Taking the first steps in being free from these toxic relationships has been the hardest and also painful.

Making a list was the first step for me, writing down what each person brought to my life. Did this person make me feel good about myself or did this person trigger a unhealthy emotion or reaction. How much anxiety did I feel when associating with them. Did they compliment me and build me up or did they tear me down, if so how often did they do this.

In making this list I realized I could not keep these people around. I could not find one positive thing that a relationship with these people brought to my life. The most freeing thing I have done is to remove these people from my life and work towards finding freedom from these toxic relationships which are unhealthy for me. I know it will be a hard and painful process but it will be beneficial to my recovery and worth it in the end.

Self injury and Kati Morton's video CUTTING / The what and why of Self-Harm

This was a great video. It's easy to understand and to the point as with all of Kati's videos. I like how she said anything she says wasn't meant to glorify nor shame any of these behaviors.

Self injury is something I have struggled with since I was about 8 years old. I had been abused by a neighbor and did not feel I could talk to my parents about what happened. Over the years since, I have struggled with it in times of stress.

Self injury for me was something I started because I could not speak about what was bothering me. I felt I would get into trouble for what happened. So I turned my emotions inward and took my emotions out on myself. It was a way of coping with the trauma of what happened.

In learning to speak about what I have gone through in my life. I have discovered I am no longer self injuring nearly as much, if any at all. I can't say everything is perfect in this area, Sometimes when I am stressed and feel I can't speak about something I do notice the temptation to do it, but I have learned to not act on those feelings the majority of the time, if I do act on them, I try and make a note of what triggered it. Learning what my triggers are and how to manage them has been one of the most helpful things. Not only for self injury but also for my eating disorder. I will admit everything is not perfect in either area. But I am happy with the progress I am making.

An update to the Lets talk about Video #24 by Kati Morton post

I have been relapsed into anorexic behaviors for about 2 weeks now. I have not lost much weight for which I am thankful as it would trigger me into not wanting to come out of this. I admit there are times when this is a very  comfortable place to be, it's familiar when everything around me at home is unfamilar. However it's making me sick.So I must get out of this, it's important, how can I be of help to my family with my grandmother, if I do not have the strength and energy?

Last month I had a blog post about Kati Morton's video #24..  well yesterday I had a day out. It was the most enjoyable days I have had in months.

I was able to go to one of my favorite places, Shoreline village in long beach, ca.  It's a little tourist attraction, shops, restraurants..etc.. there's a marina and harbor, across the harbor is the Queen Mary.  I was dropped off here yesterday while my mother went into work a block away.  This place for me is a place of rest, and also learning and thinking as I bring my ipod and listen to podcasts, and read books on my kindle app. I prefer to come here alone.. even if I am here for a few hours, It feels like I am on vacation. a much needed break.

My mother later joined me, and we spent time playing in the arcade wasting some cash, having fun.. we then went shopping at the mall. No one called us from home, we had no stress or time limits. All we had to do was bring home dinner.

Like I said I have been relapsed for about 2 weeks, keeping my calories under a limit I feel is safe, only eating foods I feel is also safe. However last night, the first thing I did when we got home was ate dinner without restricting, I had ordered a full meal from chick-fil-a and ate it all, I did not even think of restricting, or even counting the calories. My eating disorder is a way to distract me from what is going on at home.. however leaving home and enjoying my day was a way to distract me from my eating disorder and have a day where everything seemed normal. I am thankful for this. I am also hopeful to emerge from this relapse successfully.

                                The Queen Mary looks bigger and closer in person.

Making funeral arrangements

I get to watch my grandma while my mother and aunt go to the cemetery and pick out a casket and make arrangements for my grandma's funeral. I find it a bit morbid to do while the person is still alive, however I was told that when my grandfather died, it was rushed and a horrible experience..they would rather have the plans in place.. my grandma is 89.

This is another reminder at how she's dying. I feel this illness is out of my control. I want to be in control. I am still hoping she gets better. I hope these plans that are being made, do not trigger me back into eating disorder behaviors. I think it's time to get back into the book Hollow.

Weight themed Hello Kitty binder

I went to shopping for paper clips and ended up buying a Hello Kitty binder which at first looks like just a cute binder.. Hot Pink and Hello Kitty is my theme for my room this year. So when I saw it, I had to have it.

while shopping, I was holding the binder as I didn't want it messed up in the basket I was carrying and look down and see "lb".. I was like what's "lb"? I pulled the binder away so I could get a better look at the whole picture, that's when I noticed the scale. Hello Kitty was sitting on a scale with candy. It was then that the "lb" made sense.

When I had picked up the binder off the shelf, all I saw was Hello Kitty. I missed the whole theme with the scale and candy. After discovering the weight theme, I carried the binder with me while I continued shopping trying to decide if I should buy it or if I would put it back... I ended up buying it.

This binder even though it's a weight theme, for me it's not triggering.. however.. I am not a little girl who's being bombarded with media images and pressures day in and day out, in school, at home and at the stores.

I am now curious about what exactly is out there in the market that center around weight and body image that are being sold to little girls and their parents under the disguise of "cute and wholesome". I may be heading to the malls soon to see what else I can find that might be available under the radar of parents.. I will post my findings here on my blog.

Extreme organizing

I spent all day thinking about a way to organize all my stuff with numbers and letters. I finally did it in a simple way, to the uninformed it looks like like a weird code.

I have my boxes of pens marked PB1 & PB2... basically it's for pink box 1 and pink box 2. .. I have over 12 pink boxes.. it's best to number them..

I then number and label every thing that goes in the boxes with the matching code.. afterwards I put the info into my inventory database. so if I am looking for something, I just have to go on my computer and type in what I am looking for and it will tell me what box, shelf or drawer it is in.

I am tired of not being able to find things, so everything will be labeled, categorized and organized.

Spring Cleaning

I am getting ready to do some major spring cleaning.. been talking about it for like 2 weeks or so. today I made a to-do list. No more than 5 items on the list per day. I think this can be an obtainable goal. I got the idea from a friend's blog post. yes!

I also have about 20 plastic shoe boxes for storing my misc stuff. no more big boxes.. During construction we had to pack everything, incl misc..stuff I need to sort. I told my mom today.."we are hoarding trash.. ha. she agreed and so the sorting and tossing will begin sometime on Saturday hopefully, if not, for sure Sunday or Monday at the latest as weekends are sometimes really busy.

Thunder and lightning

I have sensory processing disorder which means my senses are on overload much of the time. When I was a little kid I would live with my fingers in my ears.. sounds scared me, some were painful to me, such as fingernails on the chalkboard.

I was afraid of fireworks, thunder and lightning, sirens.etc. The noises is what bothered me the most but it was the lights that scared me and got me to cry because I knew the noise was coming.

Today it's storming and I was watching my grandma, It was thundering and lightning.. I am thankful I was able to not be afraid of it. I saw the lightning and knew the thunder was coming.. no anxiety! I am thrilled.

Flawed view of self

From June 2011

I found some pictures today. They are so disheartening, because I am seriously swimming in a T-shirt. The shirt is about size L, could be an XL, but I think it was a Large. That's the size shirts I am wearing now :( I appear really skinny but I was just about at my healthy weight at about 110 at the time.

I would wear large over sized clothes all the time, not because that was my size, but because I had a flawed view of myself. I felt fat so I wore larger clothes because I thought I was.It did not help that people in my life would joke and call me fat, or if they weren't joking, they were just letting me know i wasn't skinny skinny anymore. But seriously I was thin. My real clothes size when these pictures were taken was size Small, and size 5 jeans. However when I went shopping I would buy a size 8 jeans and large t-shirts.

Writing my story

I have been for the last couple months writing my story, slowly writing down what i remember from my childhood and talking to others.. I am right now trying to get my characters together, as I need to disguise them, some may not only need to be given new names but completely different identities, or genders.. It's really hard because I want to protect their identities, I am still friends with many of the people from my childhood.. thanks to facebook. 

It's a really hard task because some people in my life mostly relatives were not nice, and they didn't even realize it, I need to tell certain stories that happened but I do not want to offend anyone, or call them on the carpet.. these people are not the main part of the story but they are still there. So I will not only have to change characters, but change settings.  At first I was like.. great this person from church can become someone in my neighborhood.. oh wait...so and so who lived in my neighborhood is on my facebook and they knew everyone. darn it.

The dilemma that may halt a story I have been wanting to tell  for several years. I may have to go back to my mom's first idea from when I was 12 and just tell my birth story.. however I really want to talk about my childhood and my disability from my perspective.. sadly I do not know how to do this without talking about other people who were with me.

I have a feeling this project will stretch me as an artist.. I am not saying writer cause I am not a writer.. I am artist.. so I may have to tap into my creativity and embellish the truth.. which sadly to me feels like a lie. My life story is about to become fiction.

a new day

For the last 2 days I have been restricting my food to barely nothing. I actually slept last night, and just woke up.. it's just about lunch time. It's a new day.

I do not want to go back down the path of not eating but more than that, I do not want to go down the path of lying to everyone I know. Dealing with the anorexic behaviors means, I must deal with what's the issues behind it, not eating, isn't about food.

I do not know what today has in store for me, but I know I can get off to a better start today than I have had Monday and Tuesday by making my food and actually eating.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly close

I finally got to watch Extremely loud & Incredibly close today, I had seen bits and pieces of it. I am not going to talk about the movie as I don't like giving movies away.. however I want to talk about the character Oskar in the movie.

Oskar is a relatable character for me. My mother had seen the movie and told me several days ago that I would like it and that I would see myself in Oskar.

Oskar is very much like myself. I adore his character. Oskar mentions he was tested for asperger's but the tests we inconclusive. However that does not mean he's not on the autism spectrum. He very much is. Not all people on the autism spectrum are the same. Oscar is very much in his own world.. yet he spends the entire movie learning to navigate the world around him.

At the beginning of the film He says his dad designed his expeditions so he would have to talk to people. This is probably due to the fact that people like Oskar have a hard time communicating with others, it causes anxiety and it's easier to avoid social situations. These expeditions forces him to communicate with others, which is very therapeutic. Speaking verbally is hard for me, so I understood that. I can sit in a room full of people, or even one on one and not say a word, or only just answer quick questions. Having a real conversation is something I just cannot really do.

Oskar is afraid of everything, very much like myself.. his fears are different from mine. However I could understand him when he explained how things made him feel. However with me I cannot seem to overcome mine. No amount of CBT has helped.We have since learned I have a horrible inner ear vestibular disorder that causes a lot of fears because my body cannot judge where I am in space..so therefore I panic in situations where there's large open spaces like streets or large pictures, things or murals.


Oskar's sensitivity to noise and his covering his ears brought back a lot of memories of my sensitivity to sounds. I spent a lot of time as a little kid with my hands over my ears or in my ears.. yes I have a profound hearing loss, and yet still very sensitive to sounds. we do not know how that works. but just because I am sensitive to sounds does not mean i understand what people say when they speak. it's really odd.

Oskar uses a tambourine to calm him.. Anxiety is very common, I live with it. I am not sure what I do to calm myself, however I do know I like familiar things and people, familiar voices as well as music. I also use a 15lb weighted blanket, a 5lbs weighted belt and a 8lb weighted vest.

There's other things that I relate to.. if you have not seen the movie I recommend it, those of you who know me will probably see me in the character of Oskar

Lets talk about Video #24 by Kati Morton

Excellent is all I have to say about this video!!

This video is one that I can relate to. I am constantly doing what she suggests. I personally do not care what others think of me when I do something that brings me a lot of happiness. I do get excited easily over the little things in life that others do not. The last 5 years life has been hard for my family with my grandma's illness and I have to find the joy in life cause it's not here around my house.  Joy is easy for me to find.. however freedom is not. It's rare.

In December I was able to go to Long Beach and rent a bike and ride along the harbor across from the Queen Mary. It was something that I wanted to do for a year and a half. I finally just did it while my mom and aunt went out to lunch, I tagged along for the ride, it was Christmas vacation and everyone was home at the same time, so we got a caregiver and we went out.... it was a much needed time.  As my grandma gets worse and sicker, I have been thinking I need another day like this. When I am having fun and enjoying life, I notice that my eating disorder behaviors and obsessions leave for a while.  I am then able to face the days that come after a lot better.

For the past year or so my mom has been promising me a day out once a month, but it's not been happening. Kati's video made me think of the things I would like to do.  I'd love to spend a day with no time limit, no rush to get back to care for my grandma and go to the Grove and go shopping or go to Hermosa Beach with my bike...the thing that makes me happiest is when there's no time limit, No phone calls calling us to have us come back home, cutting our day out short. I miss being able to spend time with my mom.

When Kati says "our eating disorders don't just come out of no where, we create them to protect us from unwelcome emotions, unwelcome experiences....(etc)..."  This totally goes along with what I read in the book Hollow by Jena Morrow.. where she writes in chapter 20 " ...You have become an expert at distracting yourself to keep from feeling unpleasant emotions. When you are out of the hospital, you distract yourself with starvation and the abuse of your body...." I know I have been doing a lot of this. It's how I survive the day to day stress of whats going on. I'd eventually like to be able to live my life and not have to depend on eating disorder behaviors to help me cope with everything.

You can check out Kati's website and youtube channel

Thankful

I am thankful for today!, Yesterday was unlike any other Easter ever, anxiety was in control. I woke up today feeling a lot better. I am still not sure about candy. But the anxiety is not there like it was yesterday.

I have not actually binged on candy.. at 11:30ish last night, I did have a few pieces..including a row of bunnies. This morning there was facebook messages.. people were telling me, to go get candy and eat it in moderation. I wish I could but for me it's either side of extreme. It's all or nothing, I do not know how to stop eating when I start, so it's best not to eat it at all. I know neither is a healthy approach.

I was up until 2:30 am this morning, listening to music I bought on itunes.. one of those songs is a song by Twila Paris called "I can do all things". it's based on Phil 4:13. which was a verse that I claimed as my own when I was 12 and 13 years old going through major surgery on my ear.

I hope today can be better as the last couple days were really hard.

My crafting project

These are the eggs I made for our family Easter party. sorry pics are not good, my card reader is missing, so I had to use my ipod's camera.

Over the Family room window, the eggs on the end are a deep purple.


Eggs before stringing.


Eggs over the table in the dining area.

Control and a Jena Morrow quote

It's amazing how these little bunnies control me. They are causing me a lot of anxiety. I do not know how to get past it. Nothing seems to be helping.

I have in my room on neon pink paper a quote by Jena Morrow that says "We're giving food power that it doesn't need to have, Food needs to be just food. It is for our nourishment so we can go on and do other things in life that are more important that God put us here to do."  This quote is one of the quotes I keep nearby.  I used to have it in my ipod notes for when I went shopping. It's very helpful.

Today this quote is going to have to apply to candy. The candy has a lot control over me, and is ruling my day and deciding for me if I am going to enjoy the day or not.

I feel if I eat the candy I could lose control and start craving sugar. Yet I keep the candy at arms length so I feel in control and say no to it.. yet either way both are in control over me. 

Easter candy

Easter is here and that means too much candy in my house. From what I see on the kitchen table is 3 boxes of marshmallow bunnies.. word around the house is they are mine, I hope not.. oh dear.. I love my mother.

There's also a bag of robin eggs and some kind of reeses peanut butter eggs..not sure what else. I am very surprised as my aunt is on a diet, reeses is a binge food for her. we'll see how she handles that. I know for me I am having a lot of anxiety over tomorrow.


Here's a picture of my dog ... The look on her face is how I feel about candy this year. She wasn't too thrilled about the bunny ears.

Music

Sometimes a song gets stuck in my head. This morning it's "All my heart" and "True North" by Twila Paris.

In my spring cleaning, I found a note from her that I got when I was 12. I had written her because I liked her music and it was comforting when my best friend died. She replied with a note and a handwritten message, "since we have the same last name, lets consider ourselves cousins.." How true that eventually became.

In looking for my family, I found out she is one of my cousins, a 7th cousin, distant cousin,  (which I have the whole line tracked back to the 1600's) but a cousin none the less.

Insomnia

Insomnia strikes again. Some nights I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep Sometimes 2. I have gone to disneyland on 2 hours sleep and stayed there from 9 am- like midnight... not sure how I survived that but I did.. Since then every time I can't sleep and don't think I am going to get through the day, I try and remember that day.

Usually what keeps me up is tinnitus which I have had since my ear surgery at 12 years old. It's horrid to always hear a roaring, ringing sound almost 24/7. It totally sounds like a motor in my head sometimes.

Naps help but sometimes keep me awake at night if I take one after 4pm.. and that's what I did today. I woke up at around 7pm.. so now I am up and will probably be up.. might take a nap in the afternoon.

Writing, the hidden talent

Spring cleaning and crafting today is going well. I am about ready to give up the crafting as I am burnt out of hollowed eggs.. ha.

I have a box of papers I am sorting, in there is my Science Fair project's report, which I received a blue ribbon but not before being accused of cheating because all everyone saw was a girl who's disabilities labeled her as slow, blowing them away with that report is my greatest accomplishment..., My year books, which I was staff photographer, a play manuscript I wrote with my grandma for my Elementary/jr high school's Christmas production I also helped directed and sang a solo, in the box is also a few stories I wrote during the year my father was leaving as well as a poem that I wrote.

I wonder what to do with this stuff... I want to get rid of the box but where do I store these writings.

I always see my real talent as drawing and sculpting babies.. writing is something I do well..I do admit my grammar could use help as I speak my own language sometimes which is a cross between English and American Sign language. I spent the first 12 years of my life unable to hear but muffled sounds. So I missed a lot of the english language.

Writing is like my hidden talent.I may have to put some stuff on facebook, if I get brave enough.. ha.

Another Party

Usually I am very unsocial and hang out in my room when company comes over, I just cannot understand most conversations cause of my hearing.

We had another party tonight..A friend shares her birthday with my grandma...so we had her over for dinner, I didn't join them for dinner. I was invited for dinner, but I refused to have a repeat of yesterdays restricting/fasting..so I ate when I was hungry and I got hungry around 5pm so I ate before our friend arrived.

I did join them for desert.. and sat and socialized instead of just leaving and going to my room. I ate not one piece but 2 pieces of ice cream cake. I will regret this tomorrow I am sure.

Easter is coming fast, so far there's been no candy... I hope I do not get sent on a candy run Saturday. I have been staying away from marshmallow peeps for as long as I can. I feel I will lose control.. for some reason peeps and bunnies do that to me. I love them.

I think this weekend will be another sugar high weekend.. so far I have only gained 3lbs. I am nervous.. all this partying is wearing me out. Can't wait til it's over.

Where are the good writers?

I was sent to target to find a birthday card today, i decided to look at the other cards seriously, the sympathy cards were painful to look at.. why can't there be a card which on the cover says "in sympathy".. then inside just says "Thinking of you"... leave out the over the top "I feel sorry for your loss at this difficult time"

Sometimes no words are better than too many. The top of my dislike of cards are religious cards even though I am a christian I hate religious cards. I don't mind a Bible verse but I seriously do not like the religious cards that are on the market. Where are the good writers?

If anyone sends me a card when my grandma dies, just something simple will do. a funny thinking of you card is more my style. I prefer to laugh and smile with cards, not cry.

Eating Disorders and Men

I have seen some really good articles on eating disorders and men lately. Eating Disorders or Disordered eating, is something that usually seen as a girl/woman thing.

I watched a documentary last night on boys with anorexia. It was kind of shocking to me, I rarely think of boys when I think of anorexia or body image issues. Watching a program on guys with eating issues, kinda reminded me of growing up with a father who was obsessed with his weight and how he looked. He had body image issues and was always concerned with how he appeared to other people.

Last summer I found a family photo taken when I was about 7 and asked my mother about it, she said he was probably a little anorexic. I do remember watching him obsess about how he looked and how thin he was. He was never fat, yet I am sure he felt fat, as I also did. Him and my brother would tease me about my weight, even though I was thin.

I am not surprised I followed down that same path, kids learn from example. I do hope more studies are done on men with disordered eating and full blow eating disorders. It's not just a woman's thing.

Grief, Eating and Spring Cleaning

I have been dealing with grief the last few days, I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their brother. I am not sure what to do, do I send cards? This is a first. I never knew my family so I never had to think of this. Now I know them and I don't know what to do.

I ended up eating cake and ice cream several nights in a row.. I know it's emotional eating due to the death in my family, and I have gained over 3 lbs.. and I am freaked out about that.. I went on a 2 mile walk this morning, I plan on going on another when it cools down outside. I need to work this off... as I do not want to end up back over 135.. I had been 131 on saturday. I feel like I have failed... My short term weight loss goal was 130.. and I blew it. I do not see any relief in sight, as Sunday is Easter. I should just tell my mom, give me $2 in change if she insists on getting me marshmallow peeps, they now cost $2, I'll take the change and put it in with my change I am saving for a new copy of Hollow by Jena Morrow, and my friend Jeanette's book which is coming out super soon.

Last year I totally failed on Easter, I binged on candy, started abusing prune juice, then could not stop eating until may. I do not want a repeat of last year.

I need to spring clean. I am all crafted out, I still have about 5-10 eggs to make. I have made about 10 already. Spring cleaning needs to happen A.S.A.P, when my hamster got out, I tore the place up looking for her, I have not cleaned it, then my family has been bring up things of mine that I left downstairs and puts it in the middle of the room for me to put away. I might just throw everything out and start over. I have done that, actually I sold everything I owned and got a new bedroom set, and computer several years ago. might be time to do that again.

Sometimes things are funny and sad at the same time

The caregiver was watching my grandma tonight, and my grandma was talking about her old dog Scruffy she had years ago. The Caregiver asked if she wanted her stuffed dog. My grandma then was like "they stuffed him???"

How funny!! The caregiver then came and asked me who Scruffy was.. I told her, it was one of her old dogs...

I think the caregiver might have felt bad, cause I did...but I had to laugh, there's nothing else to do but laugh and reassure my grandma that her dog scruffy was not taxidermied and is not the stuffed animal dog.

Autism and Eating Disorders

It's Autism Awareness month, a month to bring awareness on autism.. however I am going to talk a little bit about eating disorders and autism.

I am mildly autistic. I also have sensory processing disorder. Neither one defines who I am, but they do sometimes create havoc in my life. My autism causes social anxiety.. My sensory processing disorder causes me to be overly sensitive to smells, tastes, sounds, touch and visual stimuli.

As a small child, I was the kid that would not touch certain things. Playing in sand or dirt was something I could not stand. I would cry at just the sight of a fire truck, I knew the sound of the sirens were coming. I was afraid of nearly everything. I was very hands off kid, I did not like being touched, hugging my parents was not something I enjoyed. People have taken my lack of hugging as a personal rejection of them. I spent my childhood overly sensitive and fearful of things that normally bring joy to little kids, I would cry, scream and the sight of certain things. The people around me did not understand that my overloaded senses caused me pain and anxiety. Some people would laugh and make fun of me because to them it was funny that I was afraid of these things, to me it was painful.

I have heard that people with autism sometimes have issues with eating. I am not excluded. Growing up it was not really noticed, a lot of kids are picky eaters. As an adult it is more noticeable, especially in restaurants where there is sometimes food that is unfamiliar to me. I have a hard time trying new foods. If a burger is not on the menu, I'd just rather not eat. I fear trying new foods partially because of familiarity, partially because I am afraid of what it would taste like or how the texture will be.

When I was 14 years old I started binge eating. As a child I was not allowed to have a lot of junk food, as soon as I started babysitting and earning my own money, my mother stepped back and gave me the freedom to do what I wanted with my money. I chose food. My best friend had died the year before, I know that part of this binge eating was trying to fill the void in my life with food, but part of it was sensory input. I could not stop eating. The sensory stimulation that these food provided was something I needed, but it was something when left out of control harmed me. I could not see it at the time.


I have struggled with not only binge eating but anorexic behaviors. Restricting my food is a common occurance, however if offered one of my foods I eat for sensory reasons, I can switch to overeating in a matter of minutes. I have spent time working with kids who have multiple disabilities and autism. I have noticed a similar pattern with their eating, as well as mine.

 I have  found that my eating routines teeter between autistic behaviors and anorexic behaviors. It's not uncommon for me to line up my food on my plate and eat the food in a particular order or a certain food first, or use a certain dish or kind of spoon or fork. I know this can be anorexic behaviors but for me it's sometimes sensory or autistic behaviors. As a child to help keep fighting over colors to a minimum, my mother assigned colors of plates to my brother and I. For years I kept to this color, then one day my mother got rid of the colored plates and got plates that were all alike. We had grown and no longer needed assigned colors.. however this change was hard for me, I found it hard to eat off the new plates, I am still struggling with this issue. I am not sure what kind of issue it is, possibly a cross between both eating disorder and autistic. It's unclear, however I do know if I go buy my own dishes I have no problem changing. I think it's possibly a control issue.

This past year I have been learning to separate my eating issues into two categories, sensory and binging, so I can figure out what the issue really is.  This past Christmas, I had gotten some ice cream that was only available during the holidays. I bought it and my mother asked me why I got it.. I quickly informed her it was not eating disorder related.. it was for sensory reason as I liked the taste. She then said "what's the difference? buying ice cream for sensory or overeating reasons, both can be a problem". Since then if I feel the temptation to over eat, I stop and try and figure out what reason is behind it. If it is for sensory stimulation, I sometimes will let myself go ahead and eat it knowing that it may trigger other emotions or behaviors which I will have to work out later. Sensory input is very important, however it has to be done in a way as not to trigger other eating issues. If it is eating disorder behaviors I then work on getting past that in a healthy way.

Many people would not make a connection between eating disorders and autism or sensory processing disorder, but there is one. I am not sure how it works, or how it is for others, but for me they are intertwined. I know it is common for autistic people to have eating disorders but it is often overlooked because of the obsessions,routines, familiarity, which is important for the person to have in order to navigate their surroundings and make life more comfortable for them. However sometimes it can be harmful when left out of control, as not every autistic person over eats like I sometimes do. Some autistic people have no eating issues, some over eat, and some are anorexic which is why it is important not to ignore it just because a person is autistic.

 In my journey of trying to recover from my eating issues, I find I am often overwhelmed by my sensory issues. I know I need sensory stimulation, trying to find a way to give myself what I need without engaging in harmful eating disorder behaviors is a very difficult task.

Party guilt

Stepped on the scale this morning.. first mistake of the day, wonder just how many more I will make today. I have only been up for like 30 minutes..it's just almost 10am. why do I set myself up for failure when I step on the scale the day after a party of In n out burgers, fries, and cake.. I ate it all too.

I need to remember that It was a good party, and food was eaten and enjoyed.. it was grandma's 89th.. and most likely last birthday.

I think I will be spending some time on the finding balance website today.

Rejecting e.d. temptations & giving up control

This week we had company... my friends had lost a ton of weight..and they told us how they did it...I admit I am jealous.

I'd love to drop 20+lbs in a month.. I have done it. i know it can happen. I also know I'd be in my size 6 jeans if I did. I have about 3 pairs of size 6, and only 1 pair in whatever size I wear right now.. it's tempting I admit.

However how they did it, I do not agree with.. many of my friends are on the hcg diet. I have done so much research into that diet, If you go to the dr. and get actual hormone injections, it's totally messing with the body. If you get the homeopathic hcg, it's basically nothing.

The key to losing the weight is the 500 calorie a day diet. My friends were amazed that they did not feel hunger and attributed it to the "hcg" I however know as someone who restricts, it only takes a couple days for the sense of hunger to go away. When I am not eating, I do not feel hunger either.

When they asked me how I lost my weight this year.. I held back telling them how I actually have been struggling off and on with restricting my food. It's been a little over a year and I have lost about 25lbs.. I am not currently losing much of anything at the moment.. I have maintained my weight pretty much for months now. for me this is a healthy decision. Sure I'd love to drop my weight but I am working on not restricting, so whatever comes off, comes off at a snail slow pace.

The last couple days my jealousy has been bad. I am also a little obsessed with the size of my calves, sometimes my thighs. however I found a site that will rate you against others in America., technically this can be dangerous, but for me it's helpful. I have discovered even though I feel huge, I am not huge, I am smaller than the average woman. supposedly. who knows if that is accurate though. But it tells me "Your calves are smaller than 55.11% of the women in the nation and 0.7 inches smaller than the average female". My perception is flawed.

I have had many lessons this week.. Jealousy is one of them, I admit it...even though it's not solved, I can recognize it and work on it when situations come up.

Another lesson is totally trusting that God is in control of situations and letting him be in control. Giving up the control of the situation was hard. But I finally did it. My hamster Gracie went missing on Wed night. she was not upstairs at all, so it looks like she had been gone since possible the middle of the night early wed. morning. I usually check on her in the morning when I wake up but I had no memory of doing that. Around 8pm I was wondering why she was not up yet.. so I checked on her.. and she was not in her cage. The cage looked untouched, but the door to her potty which opens from the outside for cleaning was not latched. I spent hours looking for her upstairs. We found not one dropping downstairs so we figured she was upstairs. I searched for her for about 24 hours with a 2 hour nap. I searched upstairs and downstairs in every room. I did not find her. I was ready to give up hope.. I just totally gave God this situation and went upstairs and ate dinner Thursday night. I took 1 bite, When my mother came into my room and told me she heard scratching in my grandmother's room downstairs. The more we spoke the louder it got.Smart girl was trying to make herself known to us. We moved the bed out and Gracie was there and finally safe. She was very thin, dehydrated and weak. we figured she was missing for about 30+ hours give or take. it's been a rough couple days for her but she's finally recovering and gaining her weight and strength back.

Binging, boundaries and finding balance

Certain people in my life trigger me to over eat. I do not eat thousands of calories in one sitting, but I do eat until my stomach is very uncomfortable. Then I feel guilty about eating.

The guilt is horrible..I feel guilty for eating when I am not hungry. I feel guilty for letting this person get to me. I should just cut off all contact with them. I feel trapped, cutting off all contact will affect everyone in my family.

I need to set some boundaries.. I do not know how. If I say do not post on my facebook, or start chat with me.. it will cause problems. When they do these things I feel backed into a corner. It's easier for me to just let them walk all over me and delete posts and messages later.

I decided to spend some time on the finding balance site tonight, I should have done this when the triggers came instead of heading to the kitchen. There's an video on emotional eating. I have always claimed I am not an emotional eater.. but I do eat when triggered. Finding balance has a great resource section with articles and videos.. videos are my favorite. I ended up watching the video on emotional eating and sadly I have to admit once again binging tonight was due to emotions that were triggered earlier today on facebook by someone whom I have no boundaries set. I should have sat back and just waited til my emotions were scaled down to a 4 or so before even leaving my room. but no I left the room when it was at a 9/10 and ended up in the kitchen eating food my body did not need to have.

I am thankful tomorrow is a new day and I hope to get back on track in a more healthy way.

Thankful the things I am learning from Finding Balance and Jena Morrow are convicting

Some days I hate being called out on the carpet for my behaviors, other days I appreciate it. This conviction some days is really needed.

This week has been a crazy week, I had been busy last weekend painting and letting God speak to my heart while listening to Jena Morrow and Constance Rhodes on the issues of perfectionism and eating disorders.

However, one issues remains, and that is self injury. Self injury had been a part of my life heavily about 6 years ago. I had started when I was about 8-9 years old. In talking with a friend, she pretty much had told me that I was self injuring because I could not speak about how I was feeling.

The last week or so I have been back into the old mindset of self injury. A scratch here and there..to me seemed harmless enough.. however. I decided to sit and hang on the finding balance site last night and watch some videos in their resource section, originally it was going to be about food issues, which turned into watching the videos on self injury. This morning however, I am feeling the same "called on the carpet" feeling that i feel when I am actively engaged in eating disorder behaviors. It's easy to slip back into the old patterns and behaviors.

I have not been actively engaged in any eating disorder behaviors or thinking this week. I am thankful I can see myself for who I am, and not see myself as severely obese when I look in the mirror. I was standing on the ladder when I caught my reflection in the mirror of the spare bedroom last weekend while painting. Seeing myself for who I really am is amazing, usually I do not see that when i look in the mirror.

This week has been a good week pretty much, I have been busy with living my life, enjoying my time with my grandmother. One of the things that was very convicting to me last weekend as God spoke to my heart while listening to Jena Morrow, while in the middle of painting the hallway, also while standing on the top step of the same ladder. Was when Jena said "without faith it's impossible to please God" and how the way to please God is to trust him.. I just stopped painting and listened, then she said "There's a day coming when we'll see very clearly that we've been trusting in somebody who's very very real" My grandmother showed signs of her body shutting down on Thursday. I went into a "I feel out of control" period of time..until I remembered that God is in control of everything. I then went to the store.. when I came home my grandmother had improved.

This conviction some days is easy to get me to change my behaviors, some days not so easy. However I am thankful for it regardless.

Refusing to fall back into obsessions

I love my good days. I feel like I am getting my life back, however I have my bad days which sometimes are overwhelming to me. This past weekend I was asked to help paint because we were getting carpet installed. It was a family project and I worked all weekend. Time was running short Sunday evening, and we needed the painting done by Monday morning. I decided to tackle the paint job while everyone was asleep, uninterrupted I worked and finished the project at 5am and then went to bed. When I awoke I was sore and very tired.

Throughout the day, I noticed my calves were the most sore part of my body, most likely from hours of climbing the step stools and ladders. This soreness triggered me to start looking at my calves, this in turned triggered me into obsessing about other parts of my body. Of course my perception is flawed so I am not seeing things how they really are.

It is amazing at how fast things can change and what triggers an obsession. I have been doing very well lately and I refuse to fall back into this trap.

A reflection of the last 9 months with Finding Balance

I have been very hyper the last few days telling everyone what God has been doing in my life this year. I have seen myself in a little over a year go from someone who was headed down a dark path of eating disorder behaviors to someone who's living life once again. This experiencing life as I used to before 4 years ago is exciting. I am happy, I am really enjoying doing what I used to, sculpting and sewing and wearing girly clothes!

A year ago January I ended a 4 month period of severe overeating and went directly into restricting, however I didn't see it that way. I was eating healthy foods but very little of it and ate only a certain amount. the weight started dropping.. Because I had just come out of overeating time, I would sneak in foods I felt were bad and feel guilty for eating them.

By Easter I had lost quite a bit of weight and then my mother did the unspeakable, she gave me candy starting with a box of marshmallow bunnies, which is a trigger food for me I have since learned. I got a ton of candy on Easter Sunday and by Monday it was all gone. I had eaten it all, this put me in a period of binging again. I did not eat a large amount but it was more than my petite frame needed. this went on until the second week of may.

In June I got a book called Hollow :an unpolished tale by Jena Morrow.. and through Jena I found out about Finding Balance, which has been a blessing to my life.

Since the Middle of June, I have been visiting the Finding Balance website. The video section is my favorite. I am a very one on one kind of learner so the videos having a one on one feel to it, It's easy to understand, and is like having someone personally teaching you what you need to know.. which is perfect for me, since this is how I learn best.

Summer was pretty good.I spent all summer on the finding balance site just learning. I did have some trouble eating, but I would watch a video and eat, as if I had my own eating coach right there. It was very encouraging to be able to have a resource that I did not have 6 years ago.

By late august when my grandmother changed hospices, I relapsed into the obsession to lose weight and worked very hard to get out of it. This relapse lasted a month and actually caused some physical problems. my health was not as good until last month. I felt tired, it messed up my period similar to 6 years ago when I was not eating, thankfully though eating well, and vitamins my health is completely restored to where is had been.

I survived the Holidays. I was thankful to have the finding balance website available, It was a hard time for me, as I was a little depressed about it being my grandma's last holiday with us. On Christmas eve, she woke up and was able to enjoy our family Christmas with us.

The new year brought a lot of stress for me, I got very obsessed with losing weight again for the impending funeral. I have a dress that doesn't fit anymore.. I have decided to buy a new dress for the funeral, whenever that is and not stress about it.

February came and brought some good changes to my life. As my health improved, so did my emotions. I have seen God speak to my heart on different issues such as jealousy, perfectionism, how I perceive myself. He's restored my ability to sculpt and be creative. For the first time in 4+ years I am enjoying creating and sculpting.

I have seen myself trade in my eating disorder behaviors and obsessions for the life I once lived. Compared to this time last year, my life has made a 180 turn around. I can't say everyday is perfect but I am able to get through the hard days a lot easier.

I am still hanging on the Finding balance website. I am really enjoying the new site. The new blog format is so easy to read, I love the videos are there for when I need them. However I no longer depend on videos to eat. I can just eat on my own. I have been dealing with a lot of triggers but for the past week or so, the video "know your triggers" has been very helpful. It's not that I am not going to have triggers, I just need to react to them differently than I have in the past.

When eating disorders take away your life

The past few weeks I have been exchanging eating disorder behaviors for my life.. I want it back. It's hard with the stress of my grandmother's illness, watching her waste away both mentally and physically is traumatic. My home is filled with triggers. How I react to these triggers is something I am learning to deal with. It's not perfect, some days I am overwhelmed by them, some days I can overcome them.

Regardless of what's going on here at home, I have been choosing not to let my triggers and behaviors rule my life. I have been successfully putting those behaviors on the shelf and exchanging them for my art supplies. I have been an artist my whole life, however it's been taken/given up the past 4 years due to my inability to focus on what I need to be doing, my inability to cope with the stress around me and my perfectionism getting in the way. I feel the last 4-5 years of my life have been stolen from me.

Today I listened to a couple of interviews by Jena Morrow. I had downloaded them last June and had put them in a folder that I do not keep any music or podcast in, so they got lost and forgotten. It was a nice surprise to find.

One thing that Jena said that totally stood out is this "You cannot have both life and an eating disorder, they are mutually exclusive" This is the truth, It's something that God has been showing me, but not in that wording. It's just that I have not been able to live my life at all.

I have been learning that when I am engaged in my behaviors, that's all I am doing all day everyday. I have no time for my life. My day is spent focused on losing weight, calculating my calories, exercise, etc. On the days I exchange the behaviors and thoughts for my real life, I have time to sculpt, sew as well as everything else I do not do when I am knee/waist deep in eating disorder behaviors.

So when I heard Jena say what she did, I was reminded of what I have learned about when you say yes to one thing, you say no to another. Over and over I have made this choice, I unknowingly say yes to the wrong thing, and no to what I should have done, then regret it later.

6 years ago, my eating disorder was the only way I could cope with my life.. however now 6 years later, I am thankful I have something else to hold on to and have other choices I can make.

Perception vs. Reality

My obsession with my calves go back a long time. I remember conversations with friends back in my gymnastics days. We were all obsessed with how looked in our leotards, our poise and techniques. I however was obsessed with my body and it's parts.

I had been made fun of because of these parts, friends and family thought it was funny to tease and make fun of me because these parts were not consider average. It has affected me greatly. I grew up with severe body image issues, that I am finally understanding, and learning to accept slowly. My hands and feet are small, therefore my fingers and toes are small. At my adult height,I am only 4 ft 10. I have always been tiny, since I was a baby who was born extremely premature, I have been smaller than most around me. Why would I need size 7 feet? or the hands of someone who's taller? I am petite, therefore my parts are petite and smaller than average. I would look very out of proportioned with larger arms,legs, hands and feet.

I wish I could come to the same conclusion with the other parts of me that I feel are too large. However I am learning to see the difference between perception and reality.

My obsession with my calves some days is too much. However because I know my perception is flawed, the reality of it is, they are just right for my body. I will work on learning to accept this truth.

Hollow by Jena Morrow

I am not really a big book reader, However almost a year ago I was told about a book called Hollow, it's written by Jena Morrow.

It's such a life changing book.. When I got the book I wasn't expecting to get much out of it. I was just going to read it, and be done with it.. Of course that changed. Once the book arrived in my hands it totally has been a life changing experience to read it. I do not just read it, I learn from it.

As a Christian I basically let God speak to my heart as I read Jena's story, Sometimes in her writing, it's seriously like she's written down my thoughts, behaviors, feelings etc.. Sometimes it's been almost freaky because the timing has been identical with things I am going through at the moment. I seriously do not know how that happens as I do not read ahead.

The time frame for when I have chosen to read the next chapter is random. I have the book on my bed, if I feel I want to go onto the next chapter I pick it up, if not, It just stays there until I do. I have a couple chapters left.

When I started this book I was consumed with my obsession to lose weight.I am not going to lie and say I am not still obsessed at times but it's not as bad as it was. I do have days when go back into behaviors and thoughts, but it's easier to get out of. A year ago I felt like I was drowning in this, now I feel like i have something to hold on to.

Having my heart totally changed was not something I had in mind when I ordered the book. However I am enjoying my life as best as I can at the moment. I am no longer isolating from family and friends.

New blog

This is a new blog for just talking. I might move some of my older random posts from the other blog to here, I might talk a little about the books I am reading, articles I read, websites I like, places I go.. etc.