You cannot judge a book by it's cover

You cannot judge a book by it’s cover, it’s a saying that I have heard most of my life. Many times I have bypassed books because the cover looks either plain or just not something I think I would read based on the description on the back. I have often been surprised at how wrong I was. I have learned over the years that I have done the same with people.

I have been guilty of judging people based on their looks, size, how they are dressed or even by the things they have or do not have. I have also been judged in all these areas myself. I have only looked at what was on the outside and did not bother to get to know the person. I toss them aside and do not bother to take the time to even speak to them, much like tossing a book aside you are sure you do not want to read it.

My first memory of doing this was in elementary school when I decided I did not like a little girl in my Brownie troop because her name was Millie. I decided I would not sit next to her because I did not like her name. One day I noticed she had sat down next to me so I got up and moved to a different group. She was nice to everyone including me, so there was no reason for me to treat her the way I did. Over the years I have had to realize that one of the things I have learned growing up was to judge others. Children learn by example, so while watching my father judge others and put them down, I was learning to do the same.

One of the things my mother constantly says to me when I am judging others is “You of all people, who has been judged and treated the way you have, should understand how it feels”. I was born premature and because of this I was smaller, looked and acted younger than my age. I had a hearing loss, an undiagnosed inner ear disorder that caused anxiety and fear of large objects and open spaces, I was on the autism spectrum which was undiagnosed until 2010, and had some learning disabilities. I spent a good deal of time during my childhood being judged by people who only saw my disabilities, they never saw me as a person who was capable of doing anything, I was purposely left out of activities that other kids were allowed to participate in. There were times when I had to fight to take art classes because all the teacher saw was a child who was slow in school so she expected me to be slow in all areas of my life.

Over the years I have seen my determination to try turn into an attitude of feeling defeated. I stopped fighting for what I should have been allowed to participate in, my fear of rejection took over, it began to rule my life in areas such as having to be perfect in everything I do in order to prove I was good enough.

I have had to realize that how I was treated has affected me greatly and how I relate to others. Even now, I am still judged, still left out, often not given a chance to do things, however this does not give me a license to do the same to others. I have always been taught to treat others how I want to be treated. I do not want to be judged, therefore I should not judge others. I need to give other people my time and attention regardless of their outward appearance. I need to not just toss them aside as if they do not matter. They may have something to offer or teach me or it could be the other way around, however I will never know if I keep judging them before I get to know them.

Finding Freedom from Unhealthy Relationships

I am an artist, I have been an artist since I was 5 years old. When I buy art supplies I look for the "non toxic" label on the package. It's easy for me to figure out which art supplies are and are not healthy for me to use because of this label. In relationships it's not always easy to see who is healthy for us and who is not. sometimes I wish relationships had that same label, but they do not and we have to find out the difference between healthy and unhealthy on our own. Sometimes it's a painful experience in learning who we should and should not have in our lives.

In my recovery from my eating disorder and also issues with my past in general, I recently have had to look at which relationships are "non toxic" and which ones are not, and cause more harm than good as well as finding out which relationships encourage and help my recovery and which ones trigger behaviors or thoughts. Taking the first steps in being free from these toxic relationships has been the hardest and also painful.

Making a list was the first step for me, writing down what each person brought to my life. Did this person make me feel good about myself or did this person trigger a unhealthy emotion or reaction. How much anxiety did I feel when associating with them. Did they compliment me and build me up or did they tear me down, if so how often did they do this.

In making this list I realized I could not keep these people around. I could not find one positive thing that a relationship with these people brought to my life. The most freeing thing I have done is to remove these people from my life and work towards finding freedom from these toxic relationships which are unhealthy for me. I know it will be a hard and painful process but it will be beneficial to my recovery and worth it in the end.

Self injury and Kati Morton's video CUTTING / The what and why of Self-Harm

This was a great video. It's easy to understand and to the point as with all of Kati's videos. I like how she said anything she says wasn't meant to glorify nor shame any of these behaviors.

Self injury is something I have struggled with since I was about 8 years old. I had been abused by a neighbor and did not feel I could talk to my parents about what happened. Over the years since, I have struggled with it in times of stress.

Self injury for me was something I started because I could not speak about what was bothering me. I felt I would get into trouble for what happened. So I turned my emotions inward and took my emotions out on myself. It was a way of coping with the trauma of what happened.

In learning to speak about what I have gone through in my life. I have discovered I am no longer self injuring nearly as much, if any at all. I can't say everything is perfect in this area, Sometimes when I am stressed and feel I can't speak about something I do notice the temptation to do it, but I have learned to not act on those feelings the majority of the time, if I do act on them, I try and make a note of what triggered it. Learning what my triggers are and how to manage them has been one of the most helpful things. Not only for self injury but also for my eating disorder. I will admit everything is not perfect in either area. But I am happy with the progress I am making.

An update to the Lets talk about Video #24 by Kati Morton post

I have been relapsed into anorexic behaviors for about 2 weeks now. I have not lost much weight for which I am thankful as it would trigger me into not wanting to come out of this. I admit there are times when this is a very  comfortable place to be, it's familiar when everything around me at home is unfamilar. However it's making me sick.So I must get out of this, it's important, how can I be of help to my family with my grandmother, if I do not have the strength and energy?

Last month I had a blog post about Kati Morton's video #24..  well yesterday I had a day out. It was the most enjoyable days I have had in months.

I was able to go to one of my favorite places, Shoreline village in long beach, ca.  It's a little tourist attraction, shops, restraurants..etc.. there's a marina and harbor, across the harbor is the Queen Mary.  I was dropped off here yesterday while my mother went into work a block away.  This place for me is a place of rest, and also learning and thinking as I bring my ipod and listen to podcasts, and read books on my kindle app. I prefer to come here alone.. even if I am here for a few hours, It feels like I am on vacation. a much needed break.

My mother later joined me, and we spent time playing in the arcade wasting some cash, having fun.. we then went shopping at the mall. No one called us from home, we had no stress or time limits. All we had to do was bring home dinner.

Like I said I have been relapsed for about 2 weeks, keeping my calories under a limit I feel is safe, only eating foods I feel is also safe. However last night, the first thing I did when we got home was ate dinner without restricting, I had ordered a full meal from chick-fil-a and ate it all, I did not even think of restricting, or even counting the calories. My eating disorder is a way to distract me from what is going on at home.. however leaving home and enjoying my day was a way to distract me from my eating disorder and have a day where everything seemed normal. I am thankful for this. I am also hopeful to emerge from this relapse successfully.

                                The Queen Mary looks bigger and closer in person.