Making funeral arrangements

I get to watch my grandma while my mother and aunt go to the cemetery and pick out a casket and make arrangements for my grandma's funeral. I find it a bit morbid to do while the person is still alive, however I was told that when my grandfather died, it was rushed and a horrible experience..they would rather have the plans in place.. my grandma is 89.

This is another reminder at how she's dying. I feel this illness is out of my control. I want to be in control. I am still hoping she gets better. I hope these plans that are being made, do not trigger me back into eating disorder behaviors. I think it's time to get back into the book Hollow.

Weight themed Hello Kitty binder

I went to shopping for paper clips and ended up buying a Hello Kitty binder which at first looks like just a cute binder.. Hot Pink and Hello Kitty is my theme for my room this year. So when I saw it, I had to have it.

while shopping, I was holding the binder as I didn't want it messed up in the basket I was carrying and look down and see "lb".. I was like what's "lb"? I pulled the binder away so I could get a better look at the whole picture, that's when I noticed the scale. Hello Kitty was sitting on a scale with candy. It was then that the "lb" made sense.

When I had picked up the binder off the shelf, all I saw was Hello Kitty. I missed the whole theme with the scale and candy. After discovering the weight theme, I carried the binder with me while I continued shopping trying to decide if I should buy it or if I would put it back... I ended up buying it.

This binder even though it's a weight theme, for me it's not triggering.. however.. I am not a little girl who's being bombarded with media images and pressures day in and day out, in school, at home and at the stores.

I am now curious about what exactly is out there in the market that center around weight and body image that are being sold to little girls and their parents under the disguise of "cute and wholesome". I may be heading to the malls soon to see what else I can find that might be available under the radar of parents.. I will post my findings here on my blog.

Extreme organizing

I spent all day thinking about a way to organize all my stuff with numbers and letters. I finally did it in a simple way, to the uninformed it looks like like a weird code.

I have my boxes of pens marked PB1 & PB2... basically it's for pink box 1 and pink box 2. .. I have over 12 pink boxes.. it's best to number them..

I then number and label every thing that goes in the boxes with the matching code.. afterwards I put the info into my inventory database. so if I am looking for something, I just have to go on my computer and type in what I am looking for and it will tell me what box, shelf or drawer it is in.

I am tired of not being able to find things, so everything will be labeled, categorized and organized.

Spring Cleaning

I am getting ready to do some major spring cleaning.. been talking about it for like 2 weeks or so. today I made a to-do list. No more than 5 items on the list per day. I think this can be an obtainable goal. I got the idea from a friend's blog post. yes!

I also have about 20 plastic shoe boxes for storing my misc stuff. no more big boxes.. During construction we had to pack everything, incl misc..stuff I need to sort. I told my mom today.."we are hoarding trash.. ha. she agreed and so the sorting and tossing will begin sometime on Saturday hopefully, if not, for sure Sunday or Monday at the latest as weekends are sometimes really busy.

Thunder and lightning

I have sensory processing disorder which means my senses are on overload much of the time. When I was a little kid I would live with my fingers in my ears.. sounds scared me, some were painful to me, such as fingernails on the chalkboard.

I was afraid of fireworks, thunder and lightning, sirens.etc. The noises is what bothered me the most but it was the lights that scared me and got me to cry because I knew the noise was coming.

Today it's storming and I was watching my grandma, It was thundering and lightning.. I am thankful I was able to not be afraid of it. I saw the lightning and knew the thunder was coming.. no anxiety! I am thrilled.

Flawed view of self

From June 2011

I found some pictures today. They are so disheartening, because I am seriously swimming in a T-shirt. The shirt is about size L, could be an XL, but I think it was a Large. That's the size shirts I am wearing now :( I appear really skinny but I was just about at my healthy weight at about 110 at the time.

I would wear large over sized clothes all the time, not because that was my size, but because I had a flawed view of myself. I felt fat so I wore larger clothes because I thought I was.It did not help that people in my life would joke and call me fat, or if they weren't joking, they were just letting me know i wasn't skinny skinny anymore. But seriously I was thin. My real clothes size when these pictures were taken was size Small, and size 5 jeans. However when I went shopping I would buy a size 8 jeans and large t-shirts.

Writing my story

I have been for the last couple months writing my story, slowly writing down what i remember from my childhood and talking to others.. I am right now trying to get my characters together, as I need to disguise them, some may not only need to be given new names but completely different identities, or genders.. It's really hard because I want to protect their identities, I am still friends with many of the people from my childhood.. thanks to facebook. 

It's a really hard task because some people in my life mostly relatives were not nice, and they didn't even realize it, I need to tell certain stories that happened but I do not want to offend anyone, or call them on the carpet.. these people are not the main part of the story but they are still there. So I will not only have to change characters, but change settings.  At first I was like.. great this person from church can become someone in my neighborhood.. oh wait...so and so who lived in my neighborhood is on my facebook and they knew everyone. darn it.

The dilemma that may halt a story I have been wanting to tell  for several years. I may have to go back to my mom's first idea from when I was 12 and just tell my birth story.. however I really want to talk about my childhood and my disability from my perspective.. sadly I do not know how to do this without talking about other people who were with me.

I have a feeling this project will stretch me as an artist.. I am not saying writer cause I am not a writer.. I am artist.. so I may have to tap into my creativity and embellish the truth.. which sadly to me feels like a lie. My life story is about to become fiction.

a new day

For the last 2 days I have been restricting my food to barely nothing. I actually slept last night, and just woke up.. it's just about lunch time. It's a new day.

I do not want to go back down the path of not eating but more than that, I do not want to go down the path of lying to everyone I know. Dealing with the anorexic behaviors means, I must deal with what's the issues behind it, not eating, isn't about food.

I do not know what today has in store for me, but I know I can get off to a better start today than I have had Monday and Tuesday by making my food and actually eating.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly close

I finally got to watch Extremely loud & Incredibly close today, I had seen bits and pieces of it. I am not going to talk about the movie as I don't like giving movies away.. however I want to talk about the character Oskar in the movie.

Oskar is a relatable character for me. My mother had seen the movie and told me several days ago that I would like it and that I would see myself in Oskar.

Oskar is very much like myself. I adore his character. Oskar mentions he was tested for asperger's but the tests we inconclusive. However that does not mean he's not on the autism spectrum. He very much is. Not all people on the autism spectrum are the same. Oscar is very much in his own world.. yet he spends the entire movie learning to navigate the world around him.

At the beginning of the film He says his dad designed his expeditions so he would have to talk to people. This is probably due to the fact that people like Oskar have a hard time communicating with others, it causes anxiety and it's easier to avoid social situations. These expeditions forces him to communicate with others, which is very therapeutic. Speaking verbally is hard for me, so I understood that. I can sit in a room full of people, or even one on one and not say a word, or only just answer quick questions. Having a real conversation is something I just cannot really do.

Oskar is afraid of everything, very much like myself.. his fears are different from mine. However I could understand him when he explained how things made him feel. However with me I cannot seem to overcome mine. No amount of CBT has helped.We have since learned I have a horrible inner ear vestibular disorder that causes a lot of fears because my body cannot judge where I am in space..so therefore I panic in situations where there's large open spaces like streets or large pictures, things or murals.


Oskar's sensitivity to noise and his covering his ears brought back a lot of memories of my sensitivity to sounds. I spent a lot of time as a little kid with my hands over my ears or in my ears.. yes I have a profound hearing loss, and yet still very sensitive to sounds. we do not know how that works. but just because I am sensitive to sounds does not mean i understand what people say when they speak. it's really odd.

Oskar uses a tambourine to calm him.. Anxiety is very common, I live with it. I am not sure what I do to calm myself, however I do know I like familiar things and people, familiar voices as well as music. I also use a 15lb weighted blanket, a 5lbs weighted belt and a 8lb weighted vest.

There's other things that I relate to.. if you have not seen the movie I recommend it, those of you who know me will probably see me in the character of Oskar

Lets talk about Video #24 by Kati Morton

Excellent is all I have to say about this video!!

This video is one that I can relate to. I am constantly doing what she suggests. I personally do not care what others think of me when I do something that brings me a lot of happiness. I do get excited easily over the little things in life that others do not. The last 5 years life has been hard for my family with my grandma's illness and I have to find the joy in life cause it's not here around my house.  Joy is easy for me to find.. however freedom is not. It's rare.

In December I was able to go to Long Beach and rent a bike and ride along the harbor across from the Queen Mary. It was something that I wanted to do for a year and a half. I finally just did it while my mom and aunt went out to lunch, I tagged along for the ride, it was Christmas vacation and everyone was home at the same time, so we got a caregiver and we went out.... it was a much needed time.  As my grandma gets worse and sicker, I have been thinking I need another day like this. When I am having fun and enjoying life, I notice that my eating disorder behaviors and obsessions leave for a while.  I am then able to face the days that come after a lot better.

For the past year or so my mom has been promising me a day out once a month, but it's not been happening. Kati's video made me think of the things I would like to do.  I'd love to spend a day with no time limit, no rush to get back to care for my grandma and go to the Grove and go shopping or go to Hermosa Beach with my bike...the thing that makes me happiest is when there's no time limit, No phone calls calling us to have us come back home, cutting our day out short. I miss being able to spend time with my mom.

When Kati says "our eating disorders don't just come out of no where, we create them to protect us from unwelcome emotions, unwelcome experiences....(etc)..."  This totally goes along with what I read in the book Hollow by Jena Morrow.. where she writes in chapter 20 " ...You have become an expert at distracting yourself to keep from feeling unpleasant emotions. When you are out of the hospital, you distract yourself with starvation and the abuse of your body...." I know I have been doing a lot of this. It's how I survive the day to day stress of whats going on. I'd eventually like to be able to live my life and not have to depend on eating disorder behaviors to help me cope with everything.

You can check out Kati's website and youtube channel

Thankful

I am thankful for today!, Yesterday was unlike any other Easter ever, anxiety was in control. I woke up today feeling a lot better. I am still not sure about candy. But the anxiety is not there like it was yesterday.

I have not actually binged on candy.. at 11:30ish last night, I did have a few pieces..including a row of bunnies. This morning there was facebook messages.. people were telling me, to go get candy and eat it in moderation. I wish I could but for me it's either side of extreme. It's all or nothing, I do not know how to stop eating when I start, so it's best not to eat it at all. I know neither is a healthy approach.

I was up until 2:30 am this morning, listening to music I bought on itunes.. one of those songs is a song by Twila Paris called "I can do all things". it's based on Phil 4:13. which was a verse that I claimed as my own when I was 12 and 13 years old going through major surgery on my ear.

I hope today can be better as the last couple days were really hard.

My crafting project

These are the eggs I made for our family Easter party. sorry pics are not good, my card reader is missing, so I had to use my ipod's camera.

Over the Family room window, the eggs on the end are a deep purple.


Eggs before stringing.


Eggs over the table in the dining area.

Control and a Jena Morrow quote

It's amazing how these little bunnies control me. They are causing me a lot of anxiety. I do not know how to get past it. Nothing seems to be helping.

I have in my room on neon pink paper a quote by Jena Morrow that says "We're giving food power that it doesn't need to have, Food needs to be just food. It is for our nourishment so we can go on and do other things in life that are more important that God put us here to do."  This quote is one of the quotes I keep nearby.  I used to have it in my ipod notes for when I went shopping. It's very helpful.

Today this quote is going to have to apply to candy. The candy has a lot control over me, and is ruling my day and deciding for me if I am going to enjoy the day or not.

I feel if I eat the candy I could lose control and start craving sugar. Yet I keep the candy at arms length so I feel in control and say no to it.. yet either way both are in control over me. 

Easter candy

Easter is here and that means too much candy in my house. From what I see on the kitchen table is 3 boxes of marshmallow bunnies.. word around the house is they are mine, I hope not.. oh dear.. I love my mother.

There's also a bag of robin eggs and some kind of reeses peanut butter eggs..not sure what else. I am very surprised as my aunt is on a diet, reeses is a binge food for her. we'll see how she handles that. I know for me I am having a lot of anxiety over tomorrow.


Here's a picture of my dog ... The look on her face is how I feel about candy this year. She wasn't too thrilled about the bunny ears.

Music

Sometimes a song gets stuck in my head. This morning it's "All my heart" and "True North" by Twila Paris.

In my spring cleaning, I found a note from her that I got when I was 12. I had written her because I liked her music and it was comforting when my best friend died. She replied with a note and a handwritten message, "since we have the same last name, lets consider ourselves cousins.." How true that eventually became.

In looking for my family, I found out she is one of my cousins, a 7th cousin, distant cousin,  (which I have the whole line tracked back to the 1600's) but a cousin none the less.

Insomnia

Insomnia strikes again. Some nights I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep Sometimes 2. I have gone to disneyland on 2 hours sleep and stayed there from 9 am- like midnight... not sure how I survived that but I did.. Since then every time I can't sleep and don't think I am going to get through the day, I try and remember that day.

Usually what keeps me up is tinnitus which I have had since my ear surgery at 12 years old. It's horrid to always hear a roaring, ringing sound almost 24/7. It totally sounds like a motor in my head sometimes.

Naps help but sometimes keep me awake at night if I take one after 4pm.. and that's what I did today. I woke up at around 7pm.. so now I am up and will probably be up.. might take a nap in the afternoon.

Writing, the hidden talent

Spring cleaning and crafting today is going well. I am about ready to give up the crafting as I am burnt out of hollowed eggs.. ha.

I have a box of papers I am sorting, in there is my Science Fair project's report, which I received a blue ribbon but not before being accused of cheating because all everyone saw was a girl who's disabilities labeled her as slow, blowing them away with that report is my greatest accomplishment..., My year books, which I was staff photographer, a play manuscript I wrote with my grandma for my Elementary/jr high school's Christmas production I also helped directed and sang a solo, in the box is also a few stories I wrote during the year my father was leaving as well as a poem that I wrote.

I wonder what to do with this stuff... I want to get rid of the box but where do I store these writings.

I always see my real talent as drawing and sculpting babies.. writing is something I do well..I do admit my grammar could use help as I speak my own language sometimes which is a cross between English and American Sign language. I spent the first 12 years of my life unable to hear but muffled sounds. So I missed a lot of the english language.

Writing is like my hidden talent.I may have to put some stuff on facebook, if I get brave enough.. ha.

Another Party

Usually I am very unsocial and hang out in my room when company comes over, I just cannot understand most conversations cause of my hearing.

We had another party tonight..A friend shares her birthday with my grandma...so we had her over for dinner, I didn't join them for dinner. I was invited for dinner, but I refused to have a repeat of yesterdays restricting/fasting..so I ate when I was hungry and I got hungry around 5pm so I ate before our friend arrived.

I did join them for desert.. and sat and socialized instead of just leaving and going to my room. I ate not one piece but 2 pieces of ice cream cake. I will regret this tomorrow I am sure.

Easter is coming fast, so far there's been no candy... I hope I do not get sent on a candy run Saturday. I have been staying away from marshmallow peeps for as long as I can. I feel I will lose control.. for some reason peeps and bunnies do that to me. I love them.

I think this weekend will be another sugar high weekend.. so far I have only gained 3lbs. I am nervous.. all this partying is wearing me out. Can't wait til it's over.

Where are the good writers?

I was sent to target to find a birthday card today, i decided to look at the other cards seriously, the sympathy cards were painful to look at.. why can't there be a card which on the cover says "in sympathy".. then inside just says "Thinking of you"... leave out the over the top "I feel sorry for your loss at this difficult time"

Sometimes no words are better than too many. The top of my dislike of cards are religious cards even though I am a christian I hate religious cards. I don't mind a Bible verse but I seriously do not like the religious cards that are on the market. Where are the good writers?

If anyone sends me a card when my grandma dies, just something simple will do. a funny thinking of you card is more my style. I prefer to laugh and smile with cards, not cry.

Eating Disorders and Men

I have seen some really good articles on eating disorders and men lately. Eating Disorders or Disordered eating, is something that usually seen as a girl/woman thing.

I watched a documentary last night on boys with anorexia. It was kind of shocking to me, I rarely think of boys when I think of anorexia or body image issues. Watching a program on guys with eating issues, kinda reminded me of growing up with a father who was obsessed with his weight and how he looked. He had body image issues and was always concerned with how he appeared to other people.

Last summer I found a family photo taken when I was about 7 and asked my mother about it, she said he was probably a little anorexic. I do remember watching him obsess about how he looked and how thin he was. He was never fat, yet I am sure he felt fat, as I also did. Him and my brother would tease me about my weight, even though I was thin.

I am not surprised I followed down that same path, kids learn from example. I do hope more studies are done on men with disordered eating and full blow eating disorders. It's not just a woman's thing.

Grief, Eating and Spring Cleaning

I have been dealing with grief the last few days, I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their brother. I am not sure what to do, do I send cards? This is a first. I never knew my family so I never had to think of this. Now I know them and I don't know what to do.

I ended up eating cake and ice cream several nights in a row.. I know it's emotional eating due to the death in my family, and I have gained over 3 lbs.. and I am freaked out about that.. I went on a 2 mile walk this morning, I plan on going on another when it cools down outside. I need to work this off... as I do not want to end up back over 135.. I had been 131 on saturday. I feel like I have failed... My short term weight loss goal was 130.. and I blew it. I do not see any relief in sight, as Sunday is Easter. I should just tell my mom, give me $2 in change if she insists on getting me marshmallow peeps, they now cost $2, I'll take the change and put it in with my change I am saving for a new copy of Hollow by Jena Morrow, and my friend Jeanette's book which is coming out super soon.

Last year I totally failed on Easter, I binged on candy, started abusing prune juice, then could not stop eating until may. I do not want a repeat of last year.

I need to spring clean. I am all crafted out, I still have about 5-10 eggs to make. I have made about 10 already. Spring cleaning needs to happen A.S.A.P, when my hamster got out, I tore the place up looking for her, I have not cleaned it, then my family has been bring up things of mine that I left downstairs and puts it in the middle of the room for me to put away. I might just throw everything out and start over. I have done that, actually I sold everything I owned and got a new bedroom set, and computer several years ago. might be time to do that again.

Sometimes things are funny and sad at the same time

The caregiver was watching my grandma tonight, and my grandma was talking about her old dog Scruffy she had years ago. The Caregiver asked if she wanted her stuffed dog. My grandma then was like "they stuffed him???"

How funny!! The caregiver then came and asked me who Scruffy was.. I told her, it was one of her old dogs...

I think the caregiver might have felt bad, cause I did...but I had to laugh, there's nothing else to do but laugh and reassure my grandma that her dog scruffy was not taxidermied and is not the stuffed animal dog.

Autism and Eating Disorders

It's Autism Awareness month, a month to bring awareness on autism.. however I am going to talk a little bit about eating disorders and autism.

I am mildly autistic. I also have sensory processing disorder. Neither one defines who I am, but they do sometimes create havoc in my life. My autism causes social anxiety.. My sensory processing disorder causes me to be overly sensitive to smells, tastes, sounds, touch and visual stimuli.

As a small child, I was the kid that would not touch certain things. Playing in sand or dirt was something I could not stand. I would cry at just the sight of a fire truck, I knew the sound of the sirens were coming. I was afraid of nearly everything. I was very hands off kid, I did not like being touched, hugging my parents was not something I enjoyed. People have taken my lack of hugging as a personal rejection of them. I spent my childhood overly sensitive and fearful of things that normally bring joy to little kids, I would cry, scream and the sight of certain things. The people around me did not understand that my overloaded senses caused me pain and anxiety. Some people would laugh and make fun of me because to them it was funny that I was afraid of these things, to me it was painful.

I have heard that people with autism sometimes have issues with eating. I am not excluded. Growing up it was not really noticed, a lot of kids are picky eaters. As an adult it is more noticeable, especially in restaurants where there is sometimes food that is unfamiliar to me. I have a hard time trying new foods. If a burger is not on the menu, I'd just rather not eat. I fear trying new foods partially because of familiarity, partially because I am afraid of what it would taste like or how the texture will be.

When I was 14 years old I started binge eating. As a child I was not allowed to have a lot of junk food, as soon as I started babysitting and earning my own money, my mother stepped back and gave me the freedom to do what I wanted with my money. I chose food. My best friend had died the year before, I know that part of this binge eating was trying to fill the void in my life with food, but part of it was sensory input. I could not stop eating. The sensory stimulation that these food provided was something I needed, but it was something when left out of control harmed me. I could not see it at the time.


I have struggled with not only binge eating but anorexic behaviors. Restricting my food is a common occurance, however if offered one of my foods I eat for sensory reasons, I can switch to overeating in a matter of minutes. I have spent time working with kids who have multiple disabilities and autism. I have noticed a similar pattern with their eating, as well as mine.

 I have  found that my eating routines teeter between autistic behaviors and anorexic behaviors. It's not uncommon for me to line up my food on my plate and eat the food in a particular order or a certain food first, or use a certain dish or kind of spoon or fork. I know this can be anorexic behaviors but for me it's sometimes sensory or autistic behaviors. As a child to help keep fighting over colors to a minimum, my mother assigned colors of plates to my brother and I. For years I kept to this color, then one day my mother got rid of the colored plates and got plates that were all alike. We had grown and no longer needed assigned colors.. however this change was hard for me, I found it hard to eat off the new plates, I am still struggling with this issue. I am not sure what kind of issue it is, possibly a cross between both eating disorder and autistic. It's unclear, however I do know if I go buy my own dishes I have no problem changing. I think it's possibly a control issue.

This past year I have been learning to separate my eating issues into two categories, sensory and binging, so I can figure out what the issue really is.  This past Christmas, I had gotten some ice cream that was only available during the holidays. I bought it and my mother asked me why I got it.. I quickly informed her it was not eating disorder related.. it was for sensory reason as I liked the taste. She then said "what's the difference? buying ice cream for sensory or overeating reasons, both can be a problem". Since then if I feel the temptation to over eat, I stop and try and figure out what reason is behind it. If it is for sensory stimulation, I sometimes will let myself go ahead and eat it knowing that it may trigger other emotions or behaviors which I will have to work out later. Sensory input is very important, however it has to be done in a way as not to trigger other eating issues. If it is eating disorder behaviors I then work on getting past that in a healthy way.

Many people would not make a connection between eating disorders and autism or sensory processing disorder, but there is one. I am not sure how it works, or how it is for others, but for me they are intertwined. I know it is common for autistic people to have eating disorders but it is often overlooked because of the obsessions,routines, familiarity, which is important for the person to have in order to navigate their surroundings and make life more comfortable for them. However sometimes it can be harmful when left out of control, as not every autistic person over eats like I sometimes do. Some autistic people have no eating issues, some over eat, and some are anorexic which is why it is important not to ignore it just because a person is autistic.

 In my journey of trying to recover from my eating issues, I find I am often overwhelmed by my sensory issues. I know I need sensory stimulation, trying to find a way to give myself what I need without engaging in harmful eating disorder behaviors is a very difficult task.

Party guilt

Stepped on the scale this morning.. first mistake of the day, wonder just how many more I will make today. I have only been up for like 30 minutes..it's just almost 10am. why do I set myself up for failure when I step on the scale the day after a party of In n out burgers, fries, and cake.. I ate it all too.

I need to remember that It was a good party, and food was eaten and enjoyed.. it was grandma's 89th.. and most likely last birthday.

I think I will be spending some time on the finding balance website today.