Hollow by Jena Morrow, 2 years later

2 years ago today I ordered a book, Hollow: an unpolished tale by Jena Morrow. Yes, It's an anniversary I remember because the book has changed my life. I am thankful God had directed me to this book. I have gone from feeling helpless and hopeless in my eating disorder to lets keep working on getting out of this when I am struggling. It's still one of my best resources... but it's also opened up the door to other resources that help me almost on a daily basis.

This year has been the hardest one that I can remember in my recent memory. I had 4 deaths in a years time. I have had my ups and downs, feeling like my life is falling apart, and what feels like pure craziness. This year has also been one of Growth, depending on God for everything and at times pure Joy and one of my favorite words to use Bliss.

I did go back into anorexic behaviors for a couple months. I had the obsessive need to walk miles and miles a day at the beach, or go to the mall and walk, sometimes even do both on the same day. I felt like I was searching for something. My relapse was not rooted in obsession to lose weight, I just stopped eating one day, I think it was because of grief and being depressed because of death. I couldn't handle my life for a while, and have no one to help me. Even though I didn't lose any weight, it did affect me physically with the same symptoms as 2005/06 when I first started struggling with anorexic behaviors.

There were days that I would pack up Hollow and Hope for the Hollow and head to the beach to read. Those days were healing, much needed days. I didn't learn anything new from Hollow, but it did remind me where I didn't want to be. Hope for the hollow has been a life changing book, and has been really helpful as well.  I also had podcasts on my ipod that I would listen to and have moments, where I'd relearn something that I had forgotten. The last time I went to the beach, I walked 2 and 1/2 miles down to the end of the beach to a park and sat and listened to my ipod for about 2-3 hours. I then walked back. I have not been to the beach to walk since. I have been home working on art, and just relaxing. I am hoping the out of control craziness I felt the last few months is calming down. It's tiring to be walking day in and day out trying to make sense of life while either searching for something or running away from everything.

There's still room for improvement this year.I have a reason to keep working towards recovery what ever that is, or looks like for me.  There is a baby to be healthy for. I do not want my nephew to see me struggling. He depends on me to be the "cool, artsy aunt".. not the one he watches struggling with food and body image. I need to be healthy to be able to babysit him and play with him and just be there for him.


May this next year be another year that I focus on recovery, even if I fall flat on my face again and again, may I get up each time and continue the journey.

When it seems that God is protecting you

I just walked to target for ink for my printer and a black van pulled up in front of me as I walked along the main road. The van had no windows except for passenger and driver side and the windshield. I got an eerie feeling when I saw the van and I stopped and debated what to do, I could see a man in the side mirror looking at me, my first thought was to go through this shortcut between 2 brick walls that look like a hallway, as I took a few steps inside that shortcut, which leads to another street and also a park. I felt it was too isolated so I turned around. 

My hearing aids were turned off so I didn't realize that there were 2 little dogs following me from 2 houses down.  I saw them and they were barking at me, and I was like, go away...  Their owner was running after them. He picked up the little dogs and just then the Van sped off and left the area.

This made me wonder if the guys in the van were out to cause harm. and if God was protecting me by having me blocked by the dogs and having a man come to the rescue. I don't know.  I'll probably never know.

Blessed day with Hope for the Hollow and listening to Jena Morrow, more death and grief

I normally read the devotional when read it, at night. But this morning, I picked up my ipod and read it first thing this morning. It made a world of difference at how I approached my day.

Today was different, but do not remember anything I read, but I think it's because I put God first in my day, I put God into my recovery today instead of trying to do it all by myself on my own. I was a in a good mood all day, I felt happy, even though I was at home. It's a hard week, 6 months ago this next week my grandma died. But I got out of bed and was ready for my day even though i had been sick all night and was tired.

Around 12:45 this afternoon, I came home from Target where I went to price smash books, and sat down at my computer signed onto my personal page and saw that Susie Larson's program's guest today was Jena Morrow.. what a nice surprise because Jena had not mentioned it on her book page or twitter. I don't like surprises as a rule but this was tolerable. Listening to Jena speak was good. It felt like it was much needed, when it came to today's approach to recovery. She said something that stood out at the moment, but I can't remember it right now. I was rushing to get out of the house at exactly 2pm, which is when the program is over. But, I could see how what she said on the program also had an affect on how I dealt with things away from home. Then something unfamiliar happened this afternoon when I was back at target buying a smash book, my stomach growled for the first time in like 3 months, and would not stop growling, It was embarrassing. It was demanding that I feed it. I think it's because I have been eating normally for a couple weeks. I ended up eating with no regrets tonight.

I have been working lately on having God be my main support. Often my only words are "Please be with me".  In my recovery and in my life, I feel alone. Having no one to talk to, no counselor, no support is hard, but God has to be my support when there is no one, so when he shows up in my life like today, I know he cares about me.I felt so blessed today, even though in reality, I wasn't given anything, nothing special happened. It was just an awesome day even though I wasn't feeling well and could have easily slipped back into restricting because I have to semi fast to heal my body.

Then Nana died tonight. A family friend who I have always revered as a 3rd grandmother. My mom and her daughter are best friends. Nana and Tata knew my grandparents. It's a nearly 40 year friendship that went from the grandparents, down to the new great babies (my grandma's great grandson and nana's great great granddaughter, the babies met at my grandma's funeral. 4 and 5 generations? 


I got the news very shortly after posting about today on my fb page. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't take anymore deaths this year, this is my 4th close death this year. Grief is way too much. I can't believe she's gone. she was 89 just like my grandma. It was expected. But it's hard.

I am going to have to let God take control over my emotions, if I try and control it, I will end up back where I was a few weeks ago. I am enjoying being where I am right now. Just being able to enjoy my life for the first time in 5-6 years. Taking on challenges and being victorious and overcoming what normally I am afraid of.

Even with the sadness that has ended my day, this has been a great day, one of the best days ever. Blessed.