2 years ago today I ordered a book,
Hollow: an unpolished tale by Jena Morrow. Yes, It's an anniversary I remember because the book has changed my life. I am thankful God had directed me to this book. I have gone from feeling helpless and hopeless in my eating disorder to lets keep working on getting out of this when I am struggling. It's still one of my best resources... but it's also opened up the door to other resources that help me almost on a daily basis.
This year has been the hardest one that I can remember in my recent memory. I had 4 deaths in a years time. I have had my ups and downs, feeling like my life is falling apart, and what feels like pure craziness. This year has also been one of Growth, depending on God for everything and at times pure Joy and one of my favorite words to use Bliss.
I did go back into anorexic behaviors for a couple months. I had the obsessive need to walk miles and miles a day at the beach, or go to the mall and walk, sometimes even do both on the same day. I felt like I was searching for something. My relapse was not rooted in obsession to lose weight, I just stopped eating one day, I think it was because of grief and being depressed because of death. I couldn't handle my life for a while, and have no one to help me. Even though I didn't lose any weight, it did affect me physically with the same symptoms as 2005/06 when I first started struggling with anorexic behaviors.
There were days that I would pack up Hollow and Hope for the Hollow and head to the beach to read. Those days were healing, much needed days. I didn't learn anything new from Hollow, but it did remind me where I didn't want to be. Hope for the hollow has been a life changing book, and has been really helpful as well. I also had podcasts on my ipod that I would listen to and have moments, where I'd relearn something that I had forgotten. The last time I went to the beach, I walked 2 and 1/2 miles down to the end of the beach to a park and sat and listened to my ipod for about 2-3 hours. I then walked back. I have not been to the beach to walk since. I have been home working on art, and just relaxing. I am hoping the out of control craziness I felt the last few months is calming down. It's tiring to be walking day in and day out trying to make sense of life while either searching for something or running away from everything.
There's still room for improvement this year.I have a reason to keep working towards recovery what ever that is, or looks like for me. There is a baby to be healthy for. I do not want my nephew to see me struggling. He depends on me to be the "cool, artsy aunt".. not the one he watches struggling with food and body image. I need to be healthy to be able to babysit him and play with him and just be there for him.
May this next year be another year that I focus on recovery, even if I fall flat on my face again and again, may I get up each time and continue the journey.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
When it seems that God is protecting you
I just walked to target for ink for my printer and a black van pulled up in front of me as I walked along the main road. The van had no windows except for passenger and driver side and the windshield. I got an eerie feeling when I saw the van and I stopped and debated what to do, I could see a man in the side mirror looking at me, my first thought was to go through this shortcut between 2 brick walls that look like a hallway, as I took a few steps inside that shortcut, which leads to another street and also a park. I felt it was too isolated so I turned around.
My hearing aids were turned off so I didn't realize that there were 2 little dogs following me from 2 houses down. I saw them and they were barking at me, and I was like, go away... Their owner was running after them. He picked up the little dogs and just then the Van sped off and left the area.
This made me wonder if the guys in the van were out to cause harm. and if God was protecting me by having me blocked by the dogs and having a man come to the rescue. I don't know. I'll probably never know.
My hearing aids were turned off so I didn't realize that there were 2 little dogs following me from 2 houses down. I saw them and they were barking at me, and I was like, go away... Their owner was running after them. He picked up the little dogs and just then the Van sped off and left the area.
This made me wonder if the guys in the van were out to cause harm. and if God was protecting me by having me blocked by the dogs and having a man come to the rescue. I don't know. I'll probably never know.
Blessed day with Hope for the Hollow and listening to Jena Morrow, more death and grief
I normally read the devotional when read it, at night. But this morning, I picked up my ipod and read it first thing this morning. It made a world of difference at how I approached my day.
Today was different, but do not remember anything I read, but I think it's because I put God first in my day, I put God into my recovery today instead of trying to do it all by myself on my own. I was a in a good mood all day, I felt happy, even though I was at home. It's a hard week, 6 months ago this next week my grandma died. But I got out of bed and was ready for my day even though i had been sick all night and was tired.
Around 12:45 this afternoon, I came home from Target where I went to price smash books, and sat down at my computer signed onto my personal page and saw that Susie Larson's program's guest today was Jena Morrow.. what a nice surprise because Jena had not mentioned it on her book page or twitter. I don't like surprises as a rule but this was tolerable. Listening to Jena speak was good. It felt like it was much needed, when it came to today's approach to recovery. She said something that stood out at the moment, but I can't remember it right now. I was rushing to get out of the house at exactly 2pm, which is when the program is over. But, I could see how what she said on the program also had an affect on how I dealt with things away from home. Then something unfamiliar happened this afternoon when I was back at target buying a smash book, my stomach growled for the first time in like 3 months, and would not stop growling, It was embarrassing. It was demanding that I feed it. I think it's because I have been eating normally for a couple weeks. I ended up eating with no regrets tonight.
I have been working lately on having God be my main support. Often my only words are "Please be with me". In my recovery and in my life, I feel alone. Having no one to talk to, no counselor, no support is hard, but God has to be my support when there is no one, so when he shows up in my life like today, I know he cares about me.I felt so blessed today, even though in reality, I wasn't given anything, nothing special happened. It was just an awesome day even though I wasn't feeling well and could have easily slipped back into restricting because I have to semi fast to heal my body.
Then Nana died tonight. A family friend who I have always revered as a 3rd grandmother. My mom and her daughter are best friends. Nana and Tata knew my grandparents. It's a nearly 40 year friendship that went from the grandparents, down to the new great babies (my grandma's great grandson and nana's great great granddaughter, the babies met at my grandma's funeral. 4 and 5 generations?
I got the news very shortly after posting about today on my fb page. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't take anymore deaths this year, this is my 4th close death this year. Grief is way too much. I can't believe she's gone. she was 89 just like my grandma. It was expected. But it's hard.
I am going to have to let God take control over my emotions, if I try and control it, I will end up back where I was a few weeks ago. I am enjoying being where I am right now. Just being able to enjoy my life for the first time in 5-6 years. Taking on challenges and being victorious and overcoming what normally I am afraid of.
Even with the sadness that has ended my day, this has been a great day, one of the best days ever. Blessed.
Today was different, but do not remember anything I read, but I think it's because I put God first in my day, I put God into my recovery today instead of trying to do it all by myself on my own. I was a in a good mood all day, I felt happy, even though I was at home. It's a hard week, 6 months ago this next week my grandma died. But I got out of bed and was ready for my day even though i had been sick all night and was tired.
Around 12:45 this afternoon, I came home from Target where I went to price smash books, and sat down at my computer signed onto my personal page and saw that Susie Larson's program's guest today was Jena Morrow.. what a nice surprise because Jena had not mentioned it on her book page or twitter. I don't like surprises as a rule but this was tolerable. Listening to Jena speak was good. It felt like it was much needed, when it came to today's approach to recovery. She said something that stood out at the moment, but I can't remember it right now. I was rushing to get out of the house at exactly 2pm, which is when the program is over. But, I could see how what she said on the program also had an affect on how I dealt with things away from home. Then something unfamiliar happened this afternoon when I was back at target buying a smash book, my stomach growled for the first time in like 3 months, and would not stop growling, It was embarrassing. It was demanding that I feed it. I think it's because I have been eating normally for a couple weeks. I ended up eating with no regrets tonight.
I have been working lately on having God be my main support. Often my only words are "Please be with me". In my recovery and in my life, I feel alone. Having no one to talk to, no counselor, no support is hard, but God has to be my support when there is no one, so when he shows up in my life like today, I know he cares about me.I felt so blessed today, even though in reality, I wasn't given anything, nothing special happened. It was just an awesome day even though I wasn't feeling well and could have easily slipped back into restricting because I have to semi fast to heal my body.
Then Nana died tonight. A family friend who I have always revered as a 3rd grandmother. My mom and her daughter are best friends. Nana and Tata knew my grandparents. It's a nearly 40 year friendship that went from the grandparents, down to the new great babies (my grandma's great grandson and nana's great great granddaughter, the babies met at my grandma's funeral. 4 and 5 generations?
I got the news very shortly after posting about today on my fb page. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't take anymore deaths this year, this is my 4th close death this year. Grief is way too much. I can't believe she's gone. she was 89 just like my grandma. It was expected. But it's hard.
I am going to have to let God take control over my emotions, if I try and control it, I will end up back where I was a few weeks ago. I am enjoying being where I am right now. Just being able to enjoy my life for the first time in 5-6 years. Taking on challenges and being victorious and overcoming what normally I am afraid of.
Even with the sadness that has ended my day, this has been a great day, one of the best days ever. Blessed.
Monday, March 18, 2013
When God shows up in the writing of Constance Rhodes, Teasi Cannon, Jena Morrow and Mary DeMuth
I am at a place in my life where I spend my days crying out to God to help me, asking my mother for a counselor, only to be ignored. Counseling is taboo here I am assuming due to the outcome of my father's time in a treatment center and how it changed him for the worse. I know this doesn't happen to everyone.
The last month and a half I have been relapsed into eating disorder behaviors, but there has been a tiny amount of progress in overcoming this setback. But I have my days like today where the triggers are overwhelming. I know it's due to my grandmother's death, feeling like everything is out of control. My food is the one thing I can control. Crying out to God to help and send me someone to help me, is the only thing I can really do. And so I ask for help, but no one comes to rescue me, really.. but God does show himself with the people I am associated with.
This week has been one thing after another, where God meets me where I am at. I stand in my room and ask God to be with me. I feel so alone. Then he shows up in a message, a book, a tweet, a picture, a blog etc.
The other day I was in the shower and I was having a hard time, I felt alone, I hated my body. I think my self hatred sometimes just reflects my feeling of being unloved and worthless. So the only thing I could was cry out to God to help me. And he did... I got out of the shower and got dressed and sat down at my computer and right in front of me was the link to Constance Rhodes' blog.. That was exactly what I needed to read at that moment. My issue with body image is on overdrive right now. I am praying it gets better. summer is coming, and I don't want to hide from the world. I want to go to the beach and wear shorts this year, not jeans and oversize t-shirts to hide my body.
God also sent me a status message from Teasi Cannon to shape my whole day a couple days ago. Ok it wasn't just for me, but it seemed like it. That status message was the first thing I saw even though it was hours old and my friends had posted things I could not see, because this status message was frozen on my screen so it was the first thing I saw, I could not scroll my ipod.. seriously God knows what we need when we need it. I will admit sometimes I fight status messages, and add a no verbally talking to my ipod screen, regardless of that, Teasi seems to be someone God is using in my life at the moment.
God is still using the book Hollow it's still my main resource. God still shows up on those pages. I am also working through Hope for the Hollow. Both are written by Jena Morrow.. and both are helpful. Hope for the hollow is the book that's making me work really hard right now. It's painful at times, and is taking longer than 30 days, since I don't have the emotional energy to read it every day. The other day was day 10, the subject was surrender. Honestly, I was like.. no way do I want to surrender my eating disorder, without it, what else would I have. I know I am clinging to this because everything else feels like it's been taken away from me. I spend my days alone with no one to talk to, so it's here with me, almost comforting. But I also know it will also destroy me if I don't work hard in getting out of this, and so I am working and using all my resources that I have. I follow Jena's blog and when I came to write on my own blog tonight, she had a guest post which starts out with a quote from the book Hollow, that quote makes me cringe, not because it's so bad but because it's convicting. It's maybe not cringing, more like.. sigh.. not now.. It's from Chapter 21, a chapter I am very familiar with. Even though I talk a lot about going back to chapter 4 and 5 when I am struggling with food... chapter 21 is a chapter I have returned to many times, it's a hard chapter. In that chapter, Jena has just switched counselors in treatment, and the new counselor calls her out on her low calories intake.. this is not the quote in the blog but it's a quote I remember often when at the grocery store while choosing my food. "“Eating more than a couple hundred calories a day is a normal activity. You weren’t doing that, were you?”" Seriously why does anyone have to bring up chapter 21, I'd rather run from it, I have bits and pieces of it etched in my memory. I sometimes do not want to be convicted of my behaviors, I don't want to give them up. But I know I need to. honestly.. I should read the whole book cover to cover while i am struggling and see what God does. But I am afraid. Part of me doesn't want to give up my relapsing behaviors. the other part of me wants to live life again and be able to sculpt babies and crochet, I know I can't do both.
Last week I bought 2 kindle books, I have read one of the books. Thin Places by Mary DeMuth. I have known about the book for almost 2 years this June, but I pushed it away, until last week. I need a lot of counseling regarding my past, but this week it was helpful to see I am not alone. Reading Mary's story is painful, there are parts of it that is like reading my story. I could not stop crying while reading the book, although I am having a hard time remembering most of what I read. Normally I would keep a blog and talk about it chapter by chapter and how I relate to the book, but right now it's too hard to do, maybe later. But having God show up on those pages, and letting me know I am not the only one who's gone through this is awesome. But it's painful, and triggering of emotions.
The most helpful part isn't that she survived being abused, it's that she survived being abused by kids. Her use of the word boys is very helpful with my own story. As the majority of my abuse was done by teenage boys, as well as another kid. I have felt so alone in this, no healing has really taken place in all these years. I think for me because the blame and shame is still there. I don't know if I will ever heal or if I do how long it will take but at least I am learning other people have gone through similar.
I am not alone. I am thankful God has shown me that he's here with me, even when I don't think he is.
The last month and a half I have been relapsed into eating disorder behaviors, but there has been a tiny amount of progress in overcoming this setback. But I have my days like today where the triggers are overwhelming. I know it's due to my grandmother's death, feeling like everything is out of control. My food is the one thing I can control. Crying out to God to help and send me someone to help me, is the only thing I can really do. And so I ask for help, but no one comes to rescue me, really.. but God does show himself with the people I am associated with.
This week has been one thing after another, where God meets me where I am at. I stand in my room and ask God to be with me. I feel so alone. Then he shows up in a message, a book, a tweet, a picture, a blog etc.
The other day I was in the shower and I was having a hard time, I felt alone, I hated my body. I think my self hatred sometimes just reflects my feeling of being unloved and worthless. So the only thing I could was cry out to God to help me. And he did... I got out of the shower and got dressed and sat down at my computer and right in front of me was the link to Constance Rhodes' blog.. That was exactly what I needed to read at that moment. My issue with body image is on overdrive right now. I am praying it gets better. summer is coming, and I don't want to hide from the world. I want to go to the beach and wear shorts this year, not jeans and oversize t-shirts to hide my body.
God also sent me a status message from Teasi Cannon to shape my whole day a couple days ago. Ok it wasn't just for me, but it seemed like it. That status message was the first thing I saw even though it was hours old and my friends had posted things I could not see, because this status message was frozen on my screen so it was the first thing I saw, I could not scroll my ipod.. seriously God knows what we need when we need it. I will admit sometimes I fight status messages, and add a no verbally talking to my ipod screen, regardless of that, Teasi seems to be someone God is using in my life at the moment.
God is still using the book Hollow it's still my main resource. God still shows up on those pages. I am also working through Hope for the Hollow. Both are written by Jena Morrow.. and both are helpful. Hope for the hollow is the book that's making me work really hard right now. It's painful at times, and is taking longer than 30 days, since I don't have the emotional energy to read it every day. The other day was day 10, the subject was surrender. Honestly, I was like.. no way do I want to surrender my eating disorder, without it, what else would I have. I know I am clinging to this because everything else feels like it's been taken away from me. I spend my days alone with no one to talk to, so it's here with me, almost comforting. But I also know it will also destroy me if I don't work hard in getting out of this, and so I am working and using all my resources that I have. I follow Jena's blog and when I came to write on my own blog tonight, she had a guest post which starts out with a quote from the book Hollow, that quote makes me cringe, not because it's so bad but because it's convicting. It's maybe not cringing, more like.. sigh.. not now.. It's from Chapter 21, a chapter I am very familiar with. Even though I talk a lot about going back to chapter 4 and 5 when I am struggling with food... chapter 21 is a chapter I have returned to many times, it's a hard chapter. In that chapter, Jena has just switched counselors in treatment, and the new counselor calls her out on her low calories intake.. this is not the quote in the blog but it's a quote I remember often when at the grocery store while choosing my food. "“Eating more than a couple hundred calories a day is a normal activity. You weren’t doing that, were you?”" Seriously why does anyone have to bring up chapter 21, I'd rather run from it, I have bits and pieces of it etched in my memory. I sometimes do not want to be convicted of my behaviors, I don't want to give them up. But I know I need to. honestly.. I should read the whole book cover to cover while i am struggling and see what God does. But I am afraid. Part of me doesn't want to give up my relapsing behaviors. the other part of me wants to live life again and be able to sculpt babies and crochet, I know I can't do both.
Last week I bought 2 kindle books, I have read one of the books. Thin Places by Mary DeMuth. I have known about the book for almost 2 years this June, but I pushed it away, until last week. I need a lot of counseling regarding my past, but this week it was helpful to see I am not alone. Reading Mary's story is painful, there are parts of it that is like reading my story. I could not stop crying while reading the book, although I am having a hard time remembering most of what I read. Normally I would keep a blog and talk about it chapter by chapter and how I relate to the book, but right now it's too hard to do, maybe later. But having God show up on those pages, and letting me know I am not the only one who's gone through this is awesome. But it's painful, and triggering of emotions.
The most helpful part isn't that she survived being abused, it's that she survived being abused by kids. Her use of the word boys is very helpful with my own story. As the majority of my abuse was done by teenage boys, as well as another kid. I have felt so alone in this, no healing has really taken place in all these years. I think for me because the blame and shame is still there. I don't know if I will ever heal or if I do how long it will take but at least I am learning other people have gone through similar.
I am not alone. I am thankful God has shown me that he's here with me, even when I don't think he is.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Talking about Jena Morrow and Emily Wierenga's interviews on Chris Fabry live
Jena Morrow was on Chris Fabry Live, talking about her book Hope for the hollow. That was a really good interview.
In talking about the book she said the book was going to be a hard book for people to work through.. it's true. the book is painstakingly hard for me but worth going through it, so far. I will be doing day 3 friday, I can only handle it every other day as it takes a lot out of me. I am tired and emotionally drained afterwards. I have set aside most everything other than my responsibilities to work on my recovery and this book.
I like Jena's honesty, she doesn't sugar coat it when asked if she still struggles.. she has gained my respect over the last year and a half. I know she struggles. She has said it in several of the interviews. I pray for her constantly.
One thing that got my attention was Jena was talking about writing the book, she said it was rich with the word of God. This is one of the first things I noticed about the book when I first saw it. I don't have much more to say about Jena's interview as I am tired from writing the part below, but it was really good, if I talk later, I'll write more on my other blog and move this over.
Hour 1 was with Jena, but Hour 2 had Emily Wierenga on it for a while, this was interesting to listen to.
I follow Emily's blog and had read her post a few days ago called "To the last virgin standing" I sometimes comment, but I didn't., I didn't know to reply. Abstinence was taught in my family, although I didn't fully understand it. It's a painful subject. I prefer to stay silent on the issue. One of the things that was talked about Thursday was valuing yourself. If you are sleeping around, you are not valuing yourself, and if you have eating disorder, you are not valuing yourself. this was hard to hear as I am currently struggling with my eating issues.
Chris Fabry asked what would you say to your 16 year old self.. of course as usual it got me thinking.. Tons of people are posting on his page but of course my blogs are where I come to talk as I would never even mention this anywhere but here, plus I talk alot. If I were to talk to my 16 year old self, she'd be confused, so I would have to start at the beginning and talk to my younger self through the years so she'd understand what's happening more easy, and here's what I would say.
Talking to the 5 year old self, I would tell her.. by the time you are 6 you are going to be doing something that you have no words to describe, the idea is going to be given to you in the form of a game, you are going to be confused as the games you play are not like this. it's going to make you feel uncomfortable, you remember in the middle of it that your mom has told you that if someone makes you feel uncomfortable to tell her. so after, you go home and tell your mother, she gets angry and panicked. you then will be forced to describe what the kid did to you in front of the kid and her parents.. and you will have no words, you will not understand what happened and just continue to live your life as normal as you can. What happens to you, does not start bothering you until you are much older. So just have fun with your life regardless of what happens.
Talking to the 8 year old self, I would tell her... When you are 8 years old, the same child will hurt you again, the same way, it will be walked in on and you will get punished, your mother will not understand you when you say "but I didn't do it". you are trying to say "it was not my idea". You will be punished harshly, you will then fear getting into trouble so you build walls around yourself to protect you because you do not feel you can trust your mother anymore. Your mother has been told by an elder of the church that you will be s*xually depraved if not punished harshly. She will then stand by the idea of doing what she was told. Your mother will try and tell you about the birds and the bees because of this, but because she uses the words "after you get married", you will not think that this applies to you because you are not married, and that it has to be different. She will accuse you of having a "nasty mind", You will be hurt by this because you know you do not. You are naturally curious about the human body but you will be afraid to learn about it and ask questions for fear of getting into trouble.You are extremely innocent and do not understand what has happened, you will not understand for many years, however you will be extremely hurt and confused, the affect will stay with you and change you in the way you relate to your mother and how you trust people. The child will continue to abuse you, you will feel like a victim but have no words and you fear getting in trouble if you tell. But you do not understand what s*x is so you still have no idea what is going on. Getting in trouble and being punished is what bothers you the most. The child will also introduce you to pornography which grosses you out, but that moment, you will start comparing your body to every one elses. You will feel less than perfect because your body doesn't look like the women in the magazines, you don't realize you are 8 years old and they grown... When you are 9 years old you be allowed to go back to the child's house, On the first day, her father comes into her room and takes you and her to his bedroom and abuses you both one at a time, after he is done, you will go home and start self injuring because you cannot speak of what happened because you don't want to get into trouble again. You still do not understand what has happened, You have no words to describe what is going on. You will not lose your innocence. You will not realize until you are 27 that you were abused. At 10 years old, your new pediatrician will notice you have been abused and will ask questions and send you to a psychologist. Still no one will find out because they are asking the wrong questions, you cannot figure it out and have no idea until you are grown what that appointment is really for.
Talking to the 14 year old self. You are going through extreme body image issues and have been since you were 11, you will hide behind clothing, you will cry if someone comes in the room when you are changing, you cannot take a shower or bath without your clothes on, Everyone makes fun of you and does not understand. You will go to youth group camp, and wear a bathing suit into the shower and you will get punished by your leaders. They do not understand you. You will spend all your money you earn that summer babysitting on junk food and are constantly over eating and buying large amounts of candy and ice cream and eating it all at that time, you cannot stop and don't know why, you do not realize you have an eating disorder. A month before you are 15 you will meet a boy who gains your trust. He has been eating lunch with you all year at school, and has watched and learned about you.. you will have no memory of sitting with him, yet everyone says you did. You will become his girlfriend about 30 minutes after the moment he told you he liked you.. this is a mistake you regret as an adult. a month later you will be at camp and s*xually active not because you want to be. You don't even understand exactly what s*x is. They.. yes 2 boys, because of your need to follow the rules, you know that a girl and boy cannot be together alone, so he brings along another boy, you will be ok with is because you think you are following the rules. The boys have studied you and know you will do anything for food. They buy you candy, ice cream and other things, but you have to pay them back. You are surprised that they don't accept your money. You quickly learn what they mean, and go along with it only because you have no friends and want someone to like you. However you really love your boyfriend, it's the other boy you cannot stand the most. They will spend the next 2 years abusing you. But you don't realize it. You will say no many times, but you will feel like you have no choice because they use verses in the Bible against you, and tell you, if you tell, no one will believe you and you will get into trouble. Getting into trouble is what worries you the most. You still have no idea what s*x is. At 16 years old you ask your mother where babies come from because a family friend is pregnant. She looks at you like you are nuts, she doesn't explain it to you. You still have not lost your innocence. you obviously do not understand that what you have been doing is the same thing. Your Pastor will hear rumors about your activities with boys and will ask you if you are doing what married people do, in those exact words, you will then answer with a question "what do married people do?" which relieves you of any "wrongdoing" because it must be just a rumor. Before you are 17, the church closes the school and you will then go to a new school. Your years of abuse will have ended for now. But it will leave you damaged, feeling unlikable. When you are 22 your father will leave you and You will eventually learn around age 23 what S*x is when you take a book your mother is throwing out and read it. This will leave you broken and feeling guilty and hurt. When you are in your 30's your eating disorder will take a turn from overeating to anorexia. You will be abused again at the age of 33, sexually, and emotionally by a few men who are transients that hang out at the church. But this time you will speak out, you will still be afraid of getting into trouble, so you stay silent for 4 months. In your silence, you stop eating, This will be something you struggle with for at least the next 7 years off and on going back and forth from overeating to restricting. I have no solutions for you at the time of this letter except don't give up.
**********
In talking about the book she said the book was going to be a hard book for people to work through.. it's true. the book is painstakingly hard for me but worth going through it, so far. I will be doing day 3 friday, I can only handle it every other day as it takes a lot out of me. I am tired and emotionally drained afterwards. I have set aside most everything other than my responsibilities to work on my recovery and this book.
I like Jena's honesty, she doesn't sugar coat it when asked if she still struggles.. she has gained my respect over the last year and a half. I know she struggles. She has said it in several of the interviews. I pray for her constantly.
One thing that got my attention was Jena was talking about writing the book, she said it was rich with the word of God. This is one of the first things I noticed about the book when I first saw it. I don't have much more to say about Jena's interview as I am tired from writing the part below, but it was really good, if I talk later, I'll write more on my other blog and move this over.
Hour 1 was with Jena, but Hour 2 had Emily Wierenga on it for a while, this was interesting to listen to.
I follow Emily's blog and had read her post a few days ago called "To the last virgin standing" I sometimes comment, but I didn't., I didn't know to reply. Abstinence was taught in my family, although I didn't fully understand it. It's a painful subject. I prefer to stay silent on the issue. One of the things that was talked about Thursday was valuing yourself. If you are sleeping around, you are not valuing yourself, and if you have eating disorder, you are not valuing yourself. this was hard to hear as I am currently struggling with my eating issues.
Chris Fabry asked what would you say to your 16 year old self.. of course as usual it got me thinking.. Tons of people are posting on his page but of course my blogs are where I come to talk as I would never even mention this anywhere but here, plus I talk alot. If I were to talk to my 16 year old self, she'd be confused, so I would have to start at the beginning and talk to my younger self through the years so she'd understand what's happening more easy, and here's what I would say.
Talking to the 5 year old self, I would tell her.. by the time you are 6 you are going to be doing something that you have no words to describe, the idea is going to be given to you in the form of a game, you are going to be confused as the games you play are not like this. it's going to make you feel uncomfortable, you remember in the middle of it that your mom has told you that if someone makes you feel uncomfortable to tell her. so after, you go home and tell your mother, she gets angry and panicked. you then will be forced to describe what the kid did to you in front of the kid and her parents.. and you will have no words, you will not understand what happened and just continue to live your life as normal as you can. What happens to you, does not start bothering you until you are much older. So just have fun with your life regardless of what happens.
Talking to the 8 year old self, I would tell her... When you are 8 years old, the same child will hurt you again, the same way, it will be walked in on and you will get punished, your mother will not understand you when you say "but I didn't do it". you are trying to say "it was not my idea". You will be punished harshly, you will then fear getting into trouble so you build walls around yourself to protect you because you do not feel you can trust your mother anymore. Your mother has been told by an elder of the church that you will be s*xually depraved if not punished harshly. She will then stand by the idea of doing what she was told. Your mother will try and tell you about the birds and the bees because of this, but because she uses the words "after you get married", you will not think that this applies to you because you are not married, and that it has to be different. She will accuse you of having a "nasty mind", You will be hurt by this because you know you do not. You are naturally curious about the human body but you will be afraid to learn about it and ask questions for fear of getting into trouble.You are extremely innocent and do not understand what has happened, you will not understand for many years, however you will be extremely hurt and confused, the affect will stay with you and change you in the way you relate to your mother and how you trust people. The child will continue to abuse you, you will feel like a victim but have no words and you fear getting in trouble if you tell. But you do not understand what s*x is so you still have no idea what is going on. Getting in trouble and being punished is what bothers you the most. The child will also introduce you to pornography which grosses you out, but that moment, you will start comparing your body to every one elses. You will feel less than perfect because your body doesn't look like the women in the magazines, you don't realize you are 8 years old and they grown... When you are 9 years old you be allowed to go back to the child's house, On the first day, her father comes into her room and takes you and her to his bedroom and abuses you both one at a time, after he is done, you will go home and start self injuring because you cannot speak of what happened because you don't want to get into trouble again. You still do not understand what has happened, You have no words to describe what is going on. You will not lose your innocence. You will not realize until you are 27 that you were abused. At 10 years old, your new pediatrician will notice you have been abused and will ask questions and send you to a psychologist. Still no one will find out because they are asking the wrong questions, you cannot figure it out and have no idea until you are grown what that appointment is really for.
Talking to the 14 year old self. You are going through extreme body image issues and have been since you were 11, you will hide behind clothing, you will cry if someone comes in the room when you are changing, you cannot take a shower or bath without your clothes on, Everyone makes fun of you and does not understand. You will go to youth group camp, and wear a bathing suit into the shower and you will get punished by your leaders. They do not understand you. You will spend all your money you earn that summer babysitting on junk food and are constantly over eating and buying large amounts of candy and ice cream and eating it all at that time, you cannot stop and don't know why, you do not realize you have an eating disorder. A month before you are 15 you will meet a boy who gains your trust. He has been eating lunch with you all year at school, and has watched and learned about you.. you will have no memory of sitting with him, yet everyone says you did. You will become his girlfriend about 30 minutes after the moment he told you he liked you.. this is a mistake you regret as an adult. a month later you will be at camp and s*xually active not because you want to be. You don't even understand exactly what s*x is. They.. yes 2 boys, because of your need to follow the rules, you know that a girl and boy cannot be together alone, so he brings along another boy, you will be ok with is because you think you are following the rules. The boys have studied you and know you will do anything for food. They buy you candy, ice cream and other things, but you have to pay them back. You are surprised that they don't accept your money. You quickly learn what they mean, and go along with it only because you have no friends and want someone to like you. However you really love your boyfriend, it's the other boy you cannot stand the most. They will spend the next 2 years abusing you. But you don't realize it. You will say no many times, but you will feel like you have no choice because they use verses in the Bible against you, and tell you, if you tell, no one will believe you and you will get into trouble. Getting into trouble is what worries you the most. You still have no idea what s*x is. At 16 years old you ask your mother where babies come from because a family friend is pregnant. She looks at you like you are nuts, she doesn't explain it to you. You still have not lost your innocence. you obviously do not understand that what you have been doing is the same thing. Your Pastor will hear rumors about your activities with boys and will ask you if you are doing what married people do, in those exact words, you will then answer with a question "what do married people do?" which relieves you of any "wrongdoing" because it must be just a rumor. Before you are 17, the church closes the school and you will then go to a new school. Your years of abuse will have ended for now. But it will leave you damaged, feeling unlikable. When you are 22 your father will leave you and You will eventually learn around age 23 what S*x is when you take a book your mother is throwing out and read it. This will leave you broken and feeling guilty and hurt. When you are in your 30's your eating disorder will take a turn from overeating to anorexia. You will be abused again at the age of 33, sexually, and emotionally by a few men who are transients that hang out at the church. But this time you will speak out, you will still be afraid of getting into trouble, so you stay silent for 4 months. In your silence, you stop eating, This will be something you struggle with for at least the next 7 years off and on going back and forth from overeating to restricting. I have no solutions for you at the time of this letter except don't give up.
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