Jena Morrow was on Chris Fabry Live, talking about her book Hope for the hollow. That was a really good interview.
In talking about the book she said the book was going to be a hard book for people to work through.. it's true. the book is painstakingly hard for me but worth going through it, so far. I will be doing day 3 friday, I can only handle it every other day as it takes a lot out of me. I am tired and emotionally drained afterwards. I have set aside most everything other than my responsibilities to work on my recovery and this book.
I like Jena's honesty, she doesn't sugar coat it when asked if she still
struggles.. she has gained my respect over the last year and a half. I
know she struggles. She has said it in several of the
interviews. I pray for her constantly.
One thing that got my attention was Jena was talking about writing the book, she said it was rich with the word of God. This is one of the first things I noticed about the book when I first saw it. I don't have much more to say about Jena's interview as I am tired from writing the part below, but it was really good, if I talk later, I'll write more on my other blog and move this over.
Hour 1 was with Jena, but Hour 2 had Emily Wierenga on it for a while, this was interesting to listen to.
I
follow Emily's blog and had read her post a few days ago called "To the last virgin standing" I sometimes comment, but I didn't., I didn't know to reply. Abstinence was taught in my family,
although I didn't fully understand it. It's a painful subject. I prefer to stay silent on the issue. One of the things that was talked about Thursday was valuing yourself. If you are sleeping around, you are not valuing yourself, and if you have eating disorder, you are not valuing yourself. this was hard to hear as I am currently struggling with my eating issues.
Chris
Fabry asked what would you say to your 16 year old self.. of course as usual it got me thinking.. Tons of people are posting on his page but
of course my blogs are where I come to talk as I would never even mention
this anywhere but here, plus I talk alot. If I were to talk to my 16 year old self, she'd
be confused, so I would have to start at the beginning and talk to my
younger self through the years so she'd understand what's happening more
easy, and here's what I would say.
Talking
to the 5 year old self, I would tell her.. by the time you are 6 you
are going to be doing something that you have no words to describe, the
idea is going to be given to you in the form of a game, you are going to
be confused as the games you play are not like this. it's
going to make you feel uncomfortable, you remember in the middle of it that your mom has told you that if someone makes you feel uncomfortable to tell her. so after, you go home and tell your
mother, she gets angry and panicked. you then will be forced to describe what the kid did to you in
front of the kid and her parents.. and you will have no words, you will not
understand what happened and just continue to live your life as normal
as you can. What happens to you, does not start bothering you until you
are much older. So just have fun with your life regardless of what
happens.
Talking to the 8 year old self, I would
tell her... When you are 8 years old, the same child will hurt you
again, the same way, it will be walked in on and you will get punished,
your mother will not understand you when you say "but I didn't do it". you are trying to say "it was not my idea". You will be punished harshly, you will then fear getting into trouble so you build walls around yourself to protect you because you do not feel you can trust your mother anymore. Your mother has
been told by an elder of the church that you will be s*xually
depraved if not punished harshly. She will then stand by the idea of doing what she was told. Your mother will try and tell you about the birds and the bees
because
of this, but because she uses the words "after you get married", you will not think
that this applies to you because you are not married, and that it has to
be different. She will accuse you of having a "nasty mind", You will be
hurt by this because you know you do not. You are naturally curious about the human body but you will be afraid to learn about it and ask questions for fear of getting into trouble.You are extremely innocent
and do not understand what has happened, you will not understand for many
years, however you will be extremely hurt and confused, the affect will
stay with you and change you in the way you relate to your mother and
how you trust people. The child will
continue to abuse you, you will feel like a victim but have no words and
you fear getting in
trouble if you tell. But you do not understand what s*x is so you still
have no idea what is going on. Getting in trouble and being punished is
what bothers you the most. The child will also introduce you to
pornography
which grosses you out, but that moment, you will start comparing your
body to
every one elses. You will feel less than perfect because your body
doesn't look like the women in the magazines, you don't realize you are 8
years old and they grown... When you are 9 years old you be allowed
to go back to
the child's house, On the first day, her father comes into her room
and takes you and her to his bedroom and abuses you both one at a time,
after he is done, you will go home and start self injuring because you
cannot speak of what happened because you don't want to get into
trouble again. You still do not understand what has happened, You have
no words to describe what is going on. You will not lose your innocence.
You will not realize until you are 27 that you were
abused. At 10 years old, your new pediatrician will notice you have been
abused and will ask questions and send you to a psychologist. Still no
one will find out because they are asking the wrong questions, you
cannot figure it out and have no idea until you are grown what that
appointment is really for.
Talking to the 14 year old
self. You are going through extreme body image issues and have been
since you were 11, you will hide behind
clothing, you will cry if someone comes in the room when you are changing,
you cannot take a shower or bath without your clothes on, Everyone makes
fun of you and does not understand. You will go to youth group camp, and wear a bathing suit into the shower and you will get punished by your leaders. They do not understand you. You will
spend all your money you earn that summer babysitting on junk food and are constantly over eating and
buying large amounts of candy and ice cream and eating it all at that time, you
cannot stop and don't know why, you do not realize you have an eating
disorder. A month
before you are 15 you will meet a boy who gains your trust. He has been
eating lunch with you all year at school, and has watched and learned
about you.. you will have no memory of sitting with him, yet everyone says you did. You will
become his girlfriend about 30 minutes after the moment he told you he
liked you.. this is a mistake you regret as an adult. a month later you
will be at camp and s*xually active not because you want to be. You
don't even understand exactly what s*x is. They.. yes 2 boys, because of
your need to follow the rules, you know that a girl and boy cannot be
together alone, so he brings along another boy, you will be ok with is
because you think you are following the rules. The boys have studied you
and know you will do anything for food. They buy you candy,
ice cream and other things, but you have to pay them back. You are
surprised that they don't accept your money. You quickly learn what they
mean, and go along with it only because you have no friends and want
someone to like you. However you really love your boyfriend, it's the
other boy you cannot stand the most. They will spend the next 2 years
abusing you. But you don't realize it. You will say no many times, but
you will feel like you have
no choice because they use verses in the Bible against you, and tell
you, if you tell, no one will believe you and you will get into
trouble. Getting into trouble is what worries you the most. You still
have no idea what s*x is. At 16 years old you ask your mother where
babies come from
because a family friend is pregnant. She looks at you like you are nuts,
she doesn't explain it to you. You still have not lost your innocence.
you obviously do not understand
that what you have been doing is the same thing. Your Pastor will hear
rumors about your activities with boys and will ask you if you are doing
what married people do, in those exact words, you will then answer with
a question "what do married people do?" which relieves you of any
"wrongdoing" because it must be just a rumor. Before you are 17, the
church closes the school and you will then go to a new school. Your
years of abuse will have ended for now. But it will leave
you damaged, feeling unlikable. When you are 22 your father
will leave you and You will eventually learn around age 23 what S*x is
when you take a book your mother is throwing out and read it. This will
leave you broken and feeling guilty and hurt. When you are in your 30's
your eating disorder will take a turn from overeating to anorexia. You
will be abused again at the age of 33, sexually, and emotionally by a
few men who are transients that hang out at the church. But this time
you will speak out, you will still be
afraid of getting into trouble, so you stay silent for 4 months. In your silence, you stop eating, This will be something you
struggle with for at least the next 7 years off and on going back and
forth from overeating to restricting. I have no solutions for you at the
time of this letter except don't give up.
**********
