2 years ago today I ordered a book,
Hollow: an unpolished tale by Jena Morrow. Yes, It's an anniversary I remember because the book has changed my life. I am thankful God had directed me to this book. I have gone from feeling helpless and hopeless in my eating disorder to lets keep working on getting out of this when I am struggling. It's still one of my best resources... but it's also opened up the door to other resources that help me almost on a daily basis.
This year has been the hardest one that I can remember in my recent memory. I had 4 deaths in a years time. I have had my ups and downs, feeling like my life is falling apart, and what feels like pure craziness. This year has also been one of Growth, depending on God for everything and at times pure Joy and one of my favorite words to use Bliss.
I did go back into anorexic behaviors for a couple months. I had the obsessive need to walk miles and miles a day at the beach, or go to the mall and walk, sometimes even do both on the same day. I felt like I was searching for something. My relapse was not rooted in obsession to lose weight, I just stopped eating one day, I think it was because of grief and being depressed because of death. I couldn't handle my life for a while, and have no one to help me. Even though I didn't lose any weight, it did affect me physically with the same symptoms as 2005/06 when I first started struggling with anorexic behaviors.
There were days that I would pack up Hollow and Hope for the Hollow and head to the beach to read. Those days were healing, much needed days. I didn't learn anything new from Hollow, but it did remind me where I didn't want to be. Hope for the hollow has been a life changing book, and has been really helpful as well. I also had podcasts on my ipod that I would listen to and have moments, where I'd relearn something that I had forgotten. The last time I went to the beach, I walked 2 and 1/2 miles down to the end of the beach to a park and sat and listened to my ipod for about 2-3 hours. I then walked back. I have not been to the beach to walk since. I have been home working on art, and just relaxing. I am hoping the out of control craziness I felt the last few months is calming down. It's tiring to be walking day in and day out trying to make sense of life while either searching for something or running away from everything.
There's still room for improvement this year.I have a reason to keep working towards recovery what ever that is, or looks like for me. There is a baby to be healthy for. I do not want my nephew to see me struggling. He depends on me to be the "cool, artsy aunt".. not the one he watches struggling with food and body image. I need to be healthy to be able to babysit him and play with him and just be there for him.
May this next year be another year that I focus on recovery, even if I fall flat on my face again and again, may I get up each time and continue the journey.
