I normally read the devotional when read it, at night. But this morning, I picked up my ipod and read it first thing this morning. It made a world of difference at how I approached my day.
Today was different, but do not remember anything I read, but I think it's because I put God first in my day, I put God into my recovery today instead of trying to do it all by myself on my own. I was a in a good mood all day, I felt happy, even though I was at home. It's a hard week, 6 months ago this next week my grandma died. But I got out of bed and was ready for my day even though i had been sick all night and was tired.
Around 12:45 this afternoon, I came home from Target where I went to price smash books, and sat down at my computer signed onto my personal page and saw that Susie Larson's program's guest today was Jena Morrow.. what a nice surprise because Jena had not mentioned it on her book page or twitter. I don't like surprises as a rule but this was tolerable. Listening to Jena speak was good. It felt like it was much needed, when it came to today's approach to recovery. She said something that stood out at the moment, but I can't remember it right now. I was rushing to get out of the house at exactly 2pm, which is when the program is over. But, I could see how what she said on the program also had an affect on how I dealt with things away from home. Then something unfamiliar happened this afternoon when I was back at target buying a smash book, my stomach growled for the first time in like 3 months, and would not stop growling, It was embarrassing. It was demanding that I feed it. I think it's because I have been eating normally for a couple weeks. I ended up eating with no regrets tonight.
I have been working lately on having God be my main support. Often my only words are "Please be with me". In my recovery and in my life, I feel alone. Having no one to talk to, no counselor, no support is hard, but God has to be my support when there is no one, so when he shows up in my life like today, I know he cares about me.I felt so blessed today, even though in reality, I wasn't given anything, nothing special happened. It was just an awesome day even though I wasn't feeling well and could have easily slipped back into restricting because I have to semi fast to heal my body.
Then Nana died tonight. A family friend who I have always revered as a 3rd grandmother. My mom and her daughter are best friends. Nana and Tata knew my grandparents. It's a nearly 40 year friendship that went from the grandparents, down to the new great babies (my grandma's great grandson and nana's great great granddaughter, the babies met at my grandma's funeral. 4 and 5 generations?
I got the news very shortly after posting about today on my fb page. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't take anymore deaths this year, this is my 4th close death this year. Grief is way too much. I can't believe she's gone. she was 89 just like my grandma. It was expected. But it's hard.
I am going to have to let God take control over my emotions, if I try and control it, I will end up back where I was a few weeks ago. I am enjoying being where I am right now. Just being able to enjoy my life for the first time in 5-6 years. Taking on challenges and being victorious and overcoming what normally I am afraid of.
Even with the sadness that has ended my day, this has been a great day, one of the best days ever. Blessed.
